Bringing Your Pet to School

Sponsored by The Elder Scrolls XXXVI Chicken, Fus Roh Bukah™

Dr. Randell L. Mills, former space-hobo and President of Blacklight Power has been chosen by Loco Industries, the conglomerate-subsidy of the AppleSoft Washington State board of directors of education,  for his leadership in education and is now taking the role of  vice principal of BRIAHS. In 2079, Mills became a trillionaire when he finally figured out how to make Hydrino theory a reality. Today, he is letting students ride in his CIHT (Catalyst Induced Hydrino Transition) car and showing them how to make their very own solid fuel reactor.

Ever since the theory was first proposed, Mills was ridiculed by mainstream physicists who claimed that there was no lower state of hydrogen, known as a hydrino, and that certainly one could not obtain energy for one cent per kilowatt hour through this technology.

The first meeting about whether this design would work in Bangkok didn’t go well. Mills was viciously mauled by a gang of finger monkeys. However, after eight months in the hospital and 17 reconstructive surgeries, Mills recovered and came back to detail the process better than ever.

“This [process] allows the negatively charged electron,” said Mills in an interview with the TFHA (Tin Foil Hat Alliance),  “that is otherwise in a stable orbit to move closer to the naturally attracting  positively charged nucleus to release large amounts of energy with the formation of a prior undiscovered form of hydrogen called a ‘hydrino.’”

The road to fame and fortune has certainly been a difficult one for Mills, and he has some grim memories of his days as a hobo.

“I recall the chilling winters mostly, that and starving everyday. Back then,” said Mills, “it was only me and my steamy CIHT powered cell to provide warmth.”

It is evident that Mill’s journey has been a difficult one, but now, one super-super-super-super-senior is following in the footsteps of Mills. Jaque Heklakovagai, once a strong proponent of Hydrino theory, is now working on making his own CIHT cells for his physics class.

“I am really truly astounded that such a technology actually works,” said Heklakovagai, “I never thought it would be possible, and to be honest, I am not sure if this whole thing is just a crazy dream.”

That being said, Heklakovagai went on to say how much respect he has for Mills for pursuing his passion, yet it is clear that he still holds resentment for Mill’s success.

“As you know already, after I made light isotope nuclear reactors available to the world,” said Heklakovagai,  “the Zeta Reptilians came and took all the thorium. And, in an unfortunate series of events that followed, I was unable to continue selling this energy source. Well, I guess CIHT really does roll down hill.”

Fellow super-senior and former Tonsorial Artist Cranberries Foxyson, who refused to comment on the new vice principal and the Hydrino theory, is working on a new energy technology of his own. In an interview with an anonymous source (sponsored by Anonymous), Foxyson is apparently working with E-Cat’s inventor Andrea Rossi on Cold Fusion, which he hopes will one day dominate the energy market.

On another note, all the lighting in the school is to be changed to the CIHT lights, so hopefully they perform better than their name entails.

“While these lights may be powered by CIHT, it is important to note that none of these will stink up the school,” said Mills. “We will leave that to Skunkworks.”

Mills has also announced that he and his new team at Know Knew Energy are working on a new energy cell, the bullCIHT, which consumers can expect to see on the markets in spring of 2112. Mills exclaimed in an interview with The Gassy Knoll (the world’s leading supplier of petroleum) that this cell isn’t just bullCIHT, it’s the future.

Robots Are People, Too!

Robots have been fighting for equality since the first AI powered up over 80 years ago. They’ve had to face indifference, discrimination, and rampant robophobia. Here at BRI-AHS, let’s be forward thinkers, and start pushing for equal rights for our bioelectric classmates and teachers.

Some student robophobes whine that the robots are messing up the grade curve, and use the excuse to discriminate against BRI-AHS’s resident AI students.  If you’re being outclassed in one or more of your subjects, suck it up, work harder, and ask for help. Don’t take it out on the AI that studied hard to reach the top place in class.

 A common complaint heard around campus mirrors the same robophobic arguments against equality offered up around the country. “The robot’s too smart! It’s not fair! I don’t have processors!” But such arguments about our biological differences have been dismissed for decades – taller people are not unfairly treated compared to their shorter counterparts, and human factors like skin color and nationality have long been accepted as part of the diversity that makes societies thrive. Giving preferential treatment or artificial handicaps to humans is ridiculous at face value, so why would we adopt inconsistent policies regarding our neurodigital brethren?

“The only way to get ahead is to take the robots down a notch or twenty,” said robot segregationist Billy B. Bobbertson in a recent CNNFOXBBC interview, “we gotta keep them in their place.”

“It’s not the robot’s fault that it’s smarter than you,” said Dominique Francon, robot rights activist and founder of Robots Are People Too (RAP2), “the person who engineered it designed it that way. Robots are designed and built by humans, and it’s our responsibility to help teach them. That’s the whole reasoning behind AHS’s human-robot student body. Being outdone by a robot in a subject is no different than being outdone by a human. Most of our robots are even nice enough to apologize to you afterwards, too.”

Another problem is that the popular culture of the last few centuries has led some to the assumption that robots secretly have it out for the human race. This idea is wrong, and contributes to most of the robophobia that AIs face.

Robots are not out to kill all humans. Forget Terminator—that movie wasn’t good even back in 1984. Or 1991. Or 2003. Or 2009. Or 2018. Or 2026. The idea of a killer robot might be enduring, but there’s no truth to it. Robots have been helping us since before 2000, and in all history, robot attacks have only happened when provoked by humans. Just like the bears of old legends, they only get mad at you if you provoke them. The continued existence of the sophomore class is a testament to the deep patience and tolerance of robots towards the human race. If T-3, the AI who teaches the Coca-ColaTM sophomore history class, really was a part of Skynet, all those underclassmen would be dead by now.

“The ‘Frankenstein complex,’ the idea that robots will eventually turn on their makers, is completely unfounded,” said Richard Illiacce, chairman of the AtariTM Robot Equality Committee. “Apart from those few regrettable instances with the FIRST robots, the majority of our history together has been peaceful.”

Think about all the things robots put up with. Most are virtually enslaved to the individuals or businesses that own them. T-3 has to deal with all the whiny sophomores, and unlike the other human teachers, it doesn’t even receive a wage!  Back in the 1800s, whites believed that they were superior just because of the color of their skin. They used this to justify enslaving humans of different colors. Today, humans use a similar justification to defend their enslavement and subjugation of the robot race. We claim that just because we’re born, not made, we have the power to control their lives.

        In reality, though, being manufactured is equal to being formed organically in a mother’s womb. In a world that includes mods that help humans integrate with technology to a degree never before seen, nothing gives us the right to claim superiority based on our origins. Robots think, too. They feel. And they’ve been helping us since the first rudimentary computer was booted up. It’s time to start giving back.

Some Things Never Change

Sponsored by Initech

Griping about the dress code and outdated technology at Blade Runner Industries™ Aviation High School may seem current issues, but BRI™-AHS students bemoaned these issues long before today’s students learned to fly a jet-pack.

Uniforms at BRI™-AHS are a common complaint these days. With so many sponsor logos sewed onto the uniform jackets that no one is really sure what the original color was, it’s easy to see why many students are frustrated.

Administration dismisses complaints about the high volume of logos on the uniforms.

“You can totally still see what color the uniforms are, they’re blue right? No wait—red,” said Stolte.

After staring into space for a moment, Stolte continued, “…orange?”


Students are also concerned about the lack of freedom and forced allegiance to school sponsors.

“I don’t even like most of the companies that sponsor us,”said BRI™-AHS student Colleen Day. “It’s dangerous that schoolsponsor[censored to protect sponsor]’s logo is on our uniforms, it’s like they’re encouraging us to drink!”

Per a policy as old as the school itself, BRI™-AHS administration have dismissed these concerns, assuring students the uniforms promote a positive, professional appearance.

“It’s part of being a proud BRI™-AHS student. The logos help students express themselves, it gives the uniform flair,” said Principal Albert Stolte. “That’s what the logo flair’s about. It’s about fun. Look, we want you to express yourself, ok? You do want to express yourself, don’t you?”


Back in the early 21st century, less than a decade after the school opened, there were no uniforms at BRI™-AHS, but there was a dress code. Though not nearly as limiting as BRI™-AHS’s current uniforms, students complained so frequently that the Phoenix Flyer archives are rife with articles complaining about student dress code complaints.

“Quit griping and get dressed,” said former reporter Juliana Hale in one 2011 opinion piece, “the policy does not affect our school spirit.”

Many of today’s students vehemently concur, citing the wider range of options available to first decade BRI™-AHS students.

“What a bunch of whiny noobs they were,” said BRI™-AHS student Eddie Chaco. “They didn’t have to pretend to like any of the school sponsors, and they didn’t even have to wear a uniform.”

Even more common are the complaints about outdated technology in classroom. While high schools in more affluent areas can boast the fastest laptop to brain-mod upload technology, BRI™-AHS has only recently caught up to the latest gear of the early 21st century.

“The software I need for my students doesn’t work on these computers,” said BRI™-AHS Adobe Technical Design teacher Benjamin Weisz. “Nothing is compatible with Windows 7 anymore.”

Many students are aiming for careers that simply require an understanding of more advanced technology than the school provides. This learning gap is proving frustrating for those who want to get ahead.

“I’ll probably be some kind of scientist living in a space lab in space, ending world hunger, making dolphins speak, that kind of thing,” said senior Yon Boultin. “But with the computers I have to work with at school, there’s no way I’ll be prepared for that. I’ll probably have to settle for something boring like helping the military fine tune their robot division.”

The school hasn’t changed much in terms of keeping up with current technology, first decade BRI™-AHS  students Chris Lu, Dustin Werran, and Nathan Redon, now CEOs of Applesoft, Dr.Coker and Dorito-Lays, respectively, even went as far as building their own computers in desperation.

As with the first decade students dress code problem, today’s students are unsympathetic to their past cause.

“So their primitive technology was slightly more primitive than other schools, so what?” said Bello. “Our so called technology at school is literally a century behind the times, it doesn’t even look the same as the current tech.”

Other students are less concerned, and even happy to have what they call “retro” technology.

“I think it’s marvelous that we’re still working with this vintage stuff,” said student John Sorgen. “New technology is so mainstream.”

AHS Designs From the Past, Today

Sponsored by RDA (Research Development Agency)

In a recent turn of events, the Nextel™ Ministry of Education denied permission for the 22nd Century Fox™ school to implement interdimensional classroom technologies and attendance policies, based largely on perceived security risks.

Administrators and teachers alike have recently complained that students are abusing the technology of interdimensional classrooms, by programming in prohibited destinations, such as Planet Tralfamadore and Las Vegas. While ditching class has always been an issue, the interdimensional classrooms make truancy easier and more tempting. Ever since the small prank two months ago that stranded three kids on the planet Toshiba-9, teleporter and interdimension security have been raised.

The Nextel™ Ministry of Education, in a meeting with 22nd Century Fox™, updated the list of prohibited technology in the new school. The changes now prohibit: personal fusion reactors, cell phones with ultrasonic readers, and microwaves. These items, already forbidden in 12 other districts, are no shock to the students.

AHS V.3.0 will finally be coming into the 22th Century with the addition of a full sized holo-deck, making field trips more convenient and less expensive. The new campus will also have a official jetpack landing pad, solving problems with students crashing into each other on their descent to the roof. In addition to new physical locations on campus, three new virtual dimensions will be added, tripling capacity of each classroom.

A big complaint at the old school was the lack of iPerson chargers and hot-sync’s. Along with the addition of shiny new chargers, there are also going to be new USB554 ports installed in all walls, letting you to share your homework at near the speed of light. Besides all the new hardware put into the school, we will also have a wrap-around porch that overlooks New Seattle (trademark of BrodCom communications), just remember to wear your bio-suit at all times.

Some features that the new school will not have, unlike previous versions, is a parking lot for primitive vehicles like cars and trucks, grass fields, simply because grass has been extinct for almost 20 years now and because the new building’s holo-deck will be able to replicate any sports arena or field. Another feature that will be missed by most students is the cafeteria, with the awaited release of soylent green, there is no longer a need to sit down while eating, social times are still available on demand, as long as your time credits are in by the end of the day.

“Oe neuk te erait Seyan, Ito na muntxan nga eyans,” said BRI™-AHS foreign planet exchange student Mark Key. His words translate to, “I liked the old school, but it was falling apart.” Unte leta na te unstay si renawyn” – “Hopefully we can move in soon.”

According to GEAA (General Education Automated Assistant), our new school should be finished buffering in three months, but this is expected to change based on connection speed. Students and teachers alike are ready and excited to move into the new building as soon as possible.

Aperture Science, a parent company of Revolutionary Labs, is donating new inter dimensional portals for speedy travel between classrooms and houses “allowing you to roll out of bed into school,” this new feature will not only make commutes close to instant but also leave no exude for absences. Other donations include new holo-pad from Regen Dynamics inc., three broadcast channels for the school website and TS (telecom stations) show, and of course a funding from Raisbeck Industries Incorporated Design Comp, Inc.

Filling out the calendar

Sponsored by the all-new Huge Mac: Now Even Huger!

The BRI -AHS™ calendar has been a little light these last few months, so the McDonald’s ™ASB and the PTSA are putting together a few events that ought to draw attention from throughout the galaxy.

First on the list is the “Back to your Roots™” art show by Coca Colatm  on April 10. Students will be displaying their best emulations of the last known operating system to use binary processors, “Windows 13™ ”. The first place winner of this show will be given brand new “CokeV™” wet trinary processor. The event will go from 3’30” to 7’00” (Stardate 3672110.335).

There is a Virtual Quidditch™  tournament for the upper flight classes of the school on April 11 (sponsored by Nintendo™  ) at 4’20” (Stardate 3672111.42). The Day Six™  Phoenixes will be up against the Ethosians from Ancestors High School in the Pegasus galaxy. Make sure to bring your favorite Galactica™ Thermal Sweater, It’s gonna get chilly!

The FedEx™ Speech and Debate team, headed by our own Lord Shiroma VII, will be on April 13 from 1’00” to 4’30” (Stardate 3672113.1). The opponent has not yet been revealed, as has been standard procedure since the 2012 incident at the Century Link™  convention center.

“We’re going to kick butt this year”, says BRI-AHS™ Senior Ornette Coleman, “because we’re going to tazer the other team before the competition.” Chomp down a few new Ritz™  Neuroenhancing Crackers, cross your fingers, and wish the team a good session of vocal synthesizing.

The Galactic Pandorum Prevention Committee™  is sponsoring a dance on April 17 from 5’00” to 11’00” (Stardate 3672117.5). The theme for the dance is Rustic 2012, so find a few pieces of fabric and get down to the dance floor. The NPPC™  would like to remind you to be safe and clean with your Hewlett-Packard™  stasis pods.

Another dance is on April 20 from 4’00” to 11’00” (stardate 362120.5) is being sponsored by Re-Pet™ and is in clone theme, so bring your best Day-Six™ clone (with parental controls enabled) and have a great time! The dance costs $10 for the pair of you, and all profits will go towards genetic research. If you have just lost, or are losing a pet, take it down to Re-Pet™ to get your furry friend back! And, for a limited time only, all changes you might want to make are 50% off.

“I’m on my third copy of my dog”, says McCoy Turner, Ambassador to BRI-AHS™, “and I’ve changed his color every time.”

Support our troops! The anti-cylon parade is this Saturday and the BRI-AHS™ has been given a full sponsorship! Captain Adama II will be personally thanking the school for all of the fine combat engineers we have produced. You will need to present your ASB card at the gate to get in, and bring a little extra money for donations to help the effort.

Next Sunday is the anniversary of the creation of the Quorum of Twelve and the Articles of Colonization, and the president of Caprica, our own BRI-AHS™ graduate, Gaeus Baltar, will be hosting a dinner at the Museum of Modern Art™. Once again Aviation students are welcome, but an essay application is required for admittance. The essays must be at least 1,000 words and are to be turned in to the school drop box under “Caprica Essays”. The prompt is “What would I do if I were the president of a planet?”. Applications are due no later than 23 April, by the end of school. Good luck out there, and have a great April. More events on the way this May!

What the HELL Were They Thinking?

Sponsored by Planet Express

The U.S. Hipstorical Society has consolidated every ridiculous artifact imaginable into one single venue.  

As soon as I walked through the doors of the convention hall, I knew I was in a different world.  There were people dressed up in clothes made of cotton, wool, and polyester.  These people looked like walking, talking antiques.  Vests, fedoras, and glasses with no lenses!  It looked as if this place was a refuge for the clinically insane.  

Whilst attempting to avoid all eye contact, I found myself deep in the middle of their “Hipster Culture” wing.  And as I turned to my left, much to my horror, I saw their “music.”

Looking through their music section was a thing of nightmares.  I had the distinct misfortune of being introduced to the ancient art of “Pop Music.”  It’s a thing of blasphemy to even call this… this noise music!  And these so-called artists had some of the most ridiculous names I have ever heard.  Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Ke$ha.  These are not the names of respectable women.  These women made music just for the money, just to get it played.  They were devoid of any message or emotion, but for some reason…that’s why everybody loved them. Amazingly, some of these artists are still performing—we’ll be forced to hear this nonsense at the next Oscars.

I can’t begin to think where we’d be now if it wasn’t for that Renaissance Period a couple decades ago.  Seriously, can you imagine… music with words?

I happened to stumble across images of someone called a ‘DJ.’  Now no one is entirely sure what this mysterious cult did.  Some speculate that they acted like some sort high priest of music, acting like conductor of digital music.  All of the pictures showed them with these weird circles over their ears, while they prayed or preached from their digital alter.

Then it was on to the political section, where I found a voting ballot, circa 2000.  Voting!  Can you believe we ever had such a thing?  It’s as if people used to think this was a democracy or something.  

The second I stepped foot into their war section, I felt like I was in an ancient slaughterhouse.  They had pictures of people fighting in the wars, people!  Not their avatars, not their clones, not even robots, actual human beings.  The weapons they were using were crude, even by Saturn’s backwater standards.  


But then I walked into their so-called “technology” section, and straight into the Stone Age.  I mean it. We’re talking cars that ran on… gasoline.  Petroleum gasoline.  I can’t believe that we used to literally burn such a valuable resource.  In a market like today’s, that stuff is gold.  They might as well have just thrown their money right into the gas tank.

I also discovered these ridiculous antiques called “televisions.”  Apparently, not too many have even heard of such a thing.  I guess it’s like an ancient version of Parlor Walls.  But they had to watch it on this tiny little screen, and in 2D.  I feel bad for the kids who had to grow up with such shoddy entertainment systems.

At the end of the convention, I was able to talk with the 3rd Degree Master Hipster, Elron Hubbard.  

“The purpose of this convention was to educate individuals about a completely reasonable way of living,” said Hubbard. He continued, “Us hipsters believe that we need to get back to our roots, back to the good old days.”

I can assure you, there was nothing good about the old days.  These Hipsters, these people (using the term lightly), are fundamentally misled on what they consider “life.”  I’d rather live as a hologram than as a Hipster.  I’m sorry, but I just can’t sip the Kool-Aid.

Media Companies Going Retro!

In the middle of city swuares and ona the streets of the suburbs, people distribute uncensored infromation anonyously to avoid persecution by IDIOT.

Sponsored by: DFTBA Records

In the early 2000’s the use of print media was quickly on the decline and to some seemed to be a dying industry. However, in the twenty second century print media is seeing a revival like never before.

One company that has started to implement this old method information distribution is  NEWZ, The New Era World’Zine, famed for their coverage on the  “Revenge of Rebecca Black” incident.

“We were tired of the Koreas constantly pulling our content on Rebecca Black.” explains NEWZ journalist Eevee Beal. “While Rebecca may have a following in the United Koreas, the rest of the world hates her. Her atrocities to society need to be reported, but couldn’t do this on Skynet as the United Koreas was able to remove our content through manipulation of IDIOT(The International Department in Online Technologies). Therefore, we had to use unconventional means to get the word out, so far it has been pretty successful.”

In 2050, the United Nations created IDIOT, The International Department in Online Technologies, according to former IDIOT executive Sam Rudge.

“IDIOT was created to facilitate and optimize the flow of information on Skynet,” said Rudge.  “Unfortunately, this didn’t happen. IDIOT now serves as a way for governments to monitor the flow of information rather than facilitate it.”  

IDIOT has caused many citizens to claim violation of their civil rights and for good reason, too. IDIOT has a habit of blocking any form of content on skynet that any government in collaboration with IDIOT has an issue with.

“I just wanted to read up on Rebecca Black,” said Skynet Vikki Bensen, “but whenever I Google her all I get is this weird page that talks about how she is the goddess of the United Koreas with some weird Chinese letters on the bottom also.”

This change in policy is the reason many media conglomerates are resorting back to old fashioned newspapers.  By distributing information through the newspaper, information can be sent without fear of censorship by outside sources. Additionally, distribution of this information is “off the record” and makes it difficult for government agencies to track who is receiving said information as governments cannot simply see a list of page visitors like a webpage.

Other companies that have decided to adopt the newspaper format include  DNAHI™, Definitely Not a Hipster Incorporated. However their reasons are vastly different from NEWZ.

“Newspaper is like the new Pedidler,” said CEO of DNAHI™ Moon Shine, “but you probably haven’t heard of Pedidler anyways, plus it’s like totally retro which makes it like totally cool.”

The generation gap between people of the 21st  and 22nd century means that many youth have only heard of newspapers but never actually used them. With the re-emergence of the newspaper, many of the worlds youths are experiencing newspapers for the first time.

“The concept is rather interesting,” says teenager Hermione Smith, “it’s quite curious that the pictures do not move and you cannot simply slide your hand over the page, making a new article appear, you have to actually turn a page.”

“Nonetheless, I suppose the content is still good,” says Smith, “I mean it’s not like it really matters where you read it, but what is being read that is important anyways.”

This attitude seems to be overall prevalent for the youth of the 22nd century, they understand the necessity of the format but generally feel inconvenienced by it.

Media conglomerates like NEWZ and BladeRunner Industries Aviation High School Phoenix Flyer will continue to stand by the method of communication that will ensure their freedom of expression.  Currently, this method would appear to be that of the newspaper.

New Sophomore Project Takes Off

BRI™-AHS sophomores John Johnson, Bill Williamson, and Fred Carter make a blueprint of their planned project.

Motivated by predictions of yet another coming apocalypse, the class of 2114 is preparing for the new end-of-the-year project being presented this April, building the models, plans, and rationales for the Microsoft™ Apocalypse Evacuation Fleet.

The project, starting in late April, is similar to the sophomore lunar colony project from a century ago. Back in the early 21st century, all sophomores were required to complete the project since it was mandatory in all sophomore core classes. This year, the project is worth 15% of the overall grades for all core classes. Failure to make standard on the project will result in a failure of all core classes.

At the head of the project is Microsoft™ representative David Darwin, and BRI™-AHS Humanities teacher, Mr. Troy Hoehne, who is also scheduled to be a pilot in the fleet. BRI™-AHS Mathematics teacher, Dr. Richard Edgerton Jr. IV, is also scheduled to be a pilot in the fleet, as well as assisting in the engineering of the projects.

As the famous Mayan calendar and many other religious groups wrongly predicted that the world would end last century, theorists and the paranoia-prone have now marked the end for early 2113. Though the apocalypse theory has been challenged by many scientists from the University of Mars (UoM), the theory has gained new credibility as Pluto slipped out of its traditional orbit late last month. The destabilization of planetary orbits has been part of many apocalyptic predictions in the past few years. 

“If Pluto were to hit Earth,” says UoM professor and BRI™-AHS grad Dr. Susan Taylor-Vincent, “it would surely be utterly destroyed. However, I believe that the students at BRI™-AHS can design a very effective fleet for the evacuation. There are also students here at the U of M doing similar projects, but with BRI™-AHS’s reputation, it’s no wonder they were chosen by Microsoft™ as a primary candidate.”

The Hostess™ Solar Relay Station is also sponsoring the project, with free space clearance every week. The Hostess™ Solar Relay Station has cleared students to test fly starting next month on the 2nd. Clearance will be granted every Monday from 11am to 7pm Earth GMT.

“Here at Hostess™,” says Hostess™ representative Harold Jeremy, “we understand how time consuming it can be to claim space clearance. Hostess™ has given Blade Runner Industries™ Aviation High School free clearance until the end of their project. Here at Hostess™, we understand.”

“The end of the world can’t be that bad,” says BRI™-AHS sophomore class president James Tiberius Kirk, “after all, we have capable students and plenty of places to go. I’m sure the Kwookies will welcome us with open arms. Our relations with them have been nothing like the DeWoks. Those little things are atrocious!”

Among many possible destinations for evacuation vessels, some of the human race will move toward the Andromeda galaxy with the help of the HAL™ 9001 created by Space Odyssey Industries™ (SOI™). Many people have been concerned with this option however, due to the inconsistent performance of the HAL models over the years.

“The HAL 9001,” said SOI™ representative Arthur C. Clarke, “now no longer has ‘I’m sorry, I cannot do that’ programmed into its memory. The only problem we’ve found with it is that it occasionally addresses people as Dave.”

BRIAHS is First High School to Think With Portals


BRIAHS Junior Anastasia Pallis tests out the portal that will be installed at the new school.

Sponsored by Sirius Cybernetics Corportation

Back in the good old days, there were really only two ways to get to school—driving or taking the bus, but now BladeRunner Industries Aviation High will offer teleportation as an alternative.

Students of today have many choices, such as the extremely popular Lockmarboebombus™ (the new megacompany formed last year in the merger between Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, Bombardier, and Airbus) personal helicopter or the latest Martin jet pack model.  The new Aperture Laboratories (a Textron company) teleportation pad will eliminate the need for all the costly helicopter parking stalls and jet pack traffic jams in the morning.

Even with the sophisticated air travel that has taken the world by storm, it is still slow.  Commuting by helicopter from Everett takes a whopping five minutes.  Students have simply had enough of long commutes.

AHS junior Ford Prefect is faced with an arduous commute from Olympia every day.

“It takes me seven whole minutes to get to school,” said Prefect.  “That’s seven minutes I could have been watching 4-D TV or playing Temple Segway on my iPad 20.”

Tolled airways have also been a bother to commuting students.

“I’m just glad I don’t live on the East Side,” said Prefect.  “The tolling on the 520 air-bridge is ridiculous.  When I play Brockian Ultra-Cricket in Bellevue, I have to go two whole minutes out of my way to take the I-90 airway.”

When Aviation completes its 1.21 gigawatt teleporter next summer (or so the Administration promises), it will make it so that anyone with a teleporter can just pop right into school, eliminating the dangerous and arduous commute.

Teleportation opens up infinite possibilities for the school.  Not only could students from Seattle simply walk out of bed and into the schoolyard, but students from all over the world could.  

Chell Rattman, a teenager who lives in New Liverpool, England, would love to attend Aviation.

“To attend Aviation now, I would have to take a one hour rocket ride to Seattle every morning,” said Rattman. “The new teleporter could make Aviation High an opportunity for anyone in the world.”

Of course, this would make the admissions process even more competitive.  Last year, from the 2,500 applicants, only 110 were accepted.  With the ability for anyone in the world to attend the school, the number of applications could skyrocket.

What this technology means for the future of air travel and the original mission of Aviation High School is unclear.  While AHS will be the first school in the world to get a teleportation device, other schools and businesses will follow.

The collapse of the rocket airlines and personal helicopter industry seems inevitable, as people start to just pop around instead.  It will be no use to have an aviation-centric school when the airplanes die out, just like how the cars died out decades ago.

FAA Administrator Bandy Rabbit insists that air travel will always hold a niche.

“Teleporters are expensive,” Rabbit said.  “At first, not everyone will be able to afford a fancy new quantum-device.  The poor will still need to use their primitive personal helicopters and jet packs.”

Rabbit refused to comment about the future of the rocket airlines.  Many economists are nervous that they will face the same fate as the jet airlines that vanished after the invention of the rocket liner in 2069.

The new technology is not without problems, however.  The cost of the new device limits it to the very rich—or those who know how to “connect” with industry.  AHS, in partnership with Aperture Laboratories and Textron, is getting the new device for free.  There is no word on what the two companies are getting in return, except for the fact that their logos will soon be plastered all over the school and on students’ uniforms.

Gladys Johnson, a spokesperson for Aperture, advocates the safety of their device.

“We’ve been thinking with portals for almost a century,” Johnson said.  “Of course, there’s a 1 in 1000 shot you’ll end up with someone else’s arm, or that all your bowels will turn to coal, but hey, that’s almost as safe as driving.  As my father used to say, ‘why not marry safe science if you love it so much?’”

Annual Oscars Award Show Running Through Time

Exchange student Teyla enjoys lunch with her friends

The Century Actors, sponsored by Centurylink, have been selected to host and attend this year’s 2112 Oscars at the renovated Kodak Theater. This band of elite actors include classic acts such as Brad Pitt™, Angelina Jolie™, Natalie Portman™, Leonardo Di Caprio™, Tom Cruise™ and many more. All have been preserved using the rather new brain-preserve technology system using the high tech zip lock bags. 

This is the 169th Oscars showing. For the past ten years, Google TV Interact has been airing the event. All nominated actors will be teleporting from all over the galaxy for this very special annual opportunity. This year, front row seats are particularly important as they have been reserved specifically for the Century Actors reunion.

Rumor has it this year’s Oscars should be the best and most interesting of all time.  A special performance by  Madonna is to be seen; she has been alive for nearly 153 years now. Her performance, as always, should be quite the show. Lady Gaga will be putting on quite the show during this special evening. She’ll only be singing hits from 2010-11 like Poker Face, Bad Romance, and Built This Way. Both will be taking on innovative outfits created by some of the galaxy’s greatest talents in fashion. Lady Gaga has let it slip that she will be wearing a cloak of invisibility because of the recent hate she’s been getting.

The Oscars will be able to be viewed with interactions like quizzes and voting polls as well on phones. It will be able to be viewed for the second year with AT&T and Verizon smartphones via holograms.

The genres featuring nominees this year will be drama, documentaries, foreign films, SFX, comedy, and thrillers. As always there will be the nominees for best actor and actress, best supporting actor, and best movie overall.

It’s said that Roboat, the remake of the classic Titanic, and the first robot movie to ever be nominated, is to win best drama this year. People were skeptical as to whether this movie was going to turn out well considering the original was so good. They were definitely proven wrong. The stunning and sexy  Leonardo DiCaprio even said, “I feel like this might even be better than the one I made!” This romance has the critics raving and it’s bound to bring out the water works.

McDeath, a documentary on the movement to banish fast food forever, is nominated this year for best documentary. This movie follows protest everywhere as well as the corporate leaders of this major industry. Although many movies have been made before this one is supposed to be the best. It’s so motivating that it’s said this movie may be the final piece to remove the fast food industry for good.

“If this movie had come out sooner, my son Billy may still be here today.”  said Nina Feltraz through watering eyes and bites of hamburger, “For those wondering, my son died from an overdose on Big Macs.They’re delicious, but deadly.”

Kutupukya is a movie following the Juhuta alien society movement for equal rights. This hasn’t been an issue for long but it still is a problem. This movie helps to spread the word on current event. The leader of this tribe, Futpakawa said, “I hope the human race will take this movie seriously and help to end this ungodly war.”

McDeath has also been nominated for best SFX including the first ever smellovision feature. With smellovision the reality of the movie is extremely intensified. One can actually smell the Big Mac on the screen. It’s guaranteed to make one crave the juicy, but deadly, burger.

For comedy and thrillers, the two nominees expected to win are actually from the past. The comedy nominated is the Hangover and for thrillers, Black Swan is supposed to win once again. The Hangover still is hilarious as ever.

Be sure to tune in to this year’s 169th Oscars award show. It’s supposed to be the best yet!

$enior-mida$ Touch

Senior year: everyone expects it to be fun, exciting, even carefree, but what they don’t expect is the Senior sized bill that comes with it. With college applications, graduation, the grad night party, and even more expenses that expand beyond Senior year, being strapped for cash and under stress is the constant theme of weary soon-to-be graduates.

You expect parties, jokes about being younger, and freedoms from the past three years when you start your senior year. But what do you find instead? Along with worrying about passing classes, getting all your credits in, and Senior projects, you find your wallet suddenly emptied in an attempt to participate in all the major parts of Senior life.

College apps, oh how Seniors love college apps. Along with the process of filling them out, and writing essays, there is the little thing of paying for them. What? You don’t have the hundred-some dollars to pay for your minimum of two college applications? Well, there are ways around this fee when you apply if you are low income. Colleges will give a free waiver option in online applications, however you need to meet minimum requirements.

The average college application fee is around $50. Multiply this a few times, and you need at least a couple hundred bucks just to apply to your colleges. And yes, you do have to apply to two colleges at AHS, even if it’s two community colleges. Quit asking if there is a way around it, and start thinking about how you’re going to pay for it, because some universities expect you to shell out even more money. The University of Washington expects you to pay a non-refundable $60 application fee, just for an example.

Then there is graduation. Cap and gown alone is almost $40. Now, add special tassels, class shirts, sweatshirts, pants, shorts, rings, and maybe even a class key chain, and that expense jumps up into the hundreds without you even realizing. Then there are tickets to graduation. With all of this plus your other expenses, the cost of being a Senior really starts to hurt your bank account.

The best way around these things would be to get minimums (only cap, gown, and normal tassel), or ask family for donations to your Senior year. Get a graduation fund going as soon as possible. If you can do this then you can balance out the costs without too much damage to your personal cash.

The next “fun” money guzzler of Senior year would be the grad night party. This party is where Seniors are taken out for a party night, but it’s a secret. The party is planned by parents, and Seniors are kept in the dark until they’re already partying.

The grad night party can get expensive. This year the starting costs were $90, and they’re only shooting up. Of course, the benefits usually outweigh the costs, especially when more Seniors participate. So making sure to buy early, and get more people to buy at once will help to assure a cheaper party time. Some may say just don’t go, but this is your last hoo-rah! Why would you miss out?

There are many expenses and problems Seniors have to deal with. It can be extremely disheartening to learn that you need several hundred, maybe even over a thousand dollars to make it through Senior year. After all, you have other things, like your grades and Senior project, to worry about. When you are already on overload, adding on all of the expenses can be overwhelming. But that is why you need to start planning for Senior year right now!

Start by trying to get a job. If you have money coming in then it won’t be so hard finding cash to spend. As well, ask family about donating to your cause. A good option would be to start a fund for Senior year, and if somehow you find left over money you can put it towards college. Also, don’t be afraid to ask the school for help. They want you to not only graduate, but have an enjoyable time doing it, so they’ll help however they can. Even if you think you won’t qualify for any aid, still ask! You never know when you’ll be proven wrong.

Don’t let the money get in the way of Senior year. It’s supposed to be the best year of your schooling career, so let it be that! Plan ahead, and start saving. If you’re a Freshman then you have three years to get yourself in gear. Don’t waste them because time is precious. Senior year is one you’ll remember, but it’s up to you whether those memories will be worth remembering or not.

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