Sponsored by The Elder Scrolls XXXVI Chicken, Fus Roh Bukah™ Dr. Randell L. Mills, former space-hobo and President of Blacklight Power has been chosen by Loco Industries, the conglomerate-subsidy of the AppleSoft Washington State board of directors of education,  for his leadership in education and is now taking the role of  vice principal of BRIAHS. In 2079, Mills became a trillionaire when he finally figured out how to make Hydrino theory a reality. Today, he is letting students ride in his CIHT (Catalyst Induced Hydrino Transition) car and showing them how to make their very own solid fuel reactor. Ever since the theory was first proposed, Mills was ridiculed by mainstream physicists who claimed that there was no lower state of hydrogen, known as[…]

Robots have been fighting for equality since the first AI powered up over 80 years ago. They’ve had to face indifference, discrimination, and rampant robophobia. Here at BRI-AHS, let’s be forward thinkers, and start pushing for equal rights for our bioelectric classmates and teachers. Some student robophobes whine that the robots are messing up the grade curve, and use the excuse to discriminate against BRI-AHS’s resident AI students.  If you’re being outclassed in one or more of your subjects, suck it up, work harder, and ask for help. Don’t take it out on the AI that studied hard to reach the top place in class.  A common complaint heard around campus mirrors the same robophobic arguments against equality offered up[…]

Sponsored by Initech Griping about the dress code and outdated technology at Blade Runner Industries™ Aviation High School may seem current issues, but BRI™-AHS students bemoaned these issues long before today’s students learned to fly a jet-pack. Uniforms at BRI™-AHS are a common complaint these days. With so many sponsor logos sewed onto the uniform jackets that no one is really sure what the original color was, it’s easy to see why many students are frustrated. Administration dismisses complaints about the high volume of logos on the uniforms. “You can totally still see what color the uniforms are, they’re blue right? No wait—red,” said Stolte. After staring into space for a moment, Stolte continued, “…orange?”   Students are also concerned about the[…]

Sponsored by RDA (Research Development Agency) In a recent turn of events, the Nextel™ Ministry of Education denied permission for the 22nd Century Fox™ school to implement interdimensional classroom technologies and attendance policies, based largely on perceived security risks. Administrators and teachers alike have recently complained that students are abusing the technology of interdimensional classrooms, by programming in prohibited destinations, such as Planet Tralfamadore and Las Vegas. While ditching class has always been an issue, the interdimensional classrooms make truancy easier and more tempting. Ever since the small prank two months ago that stranded three kids on the planet Toshiba-9, teleporter and interdimension security have been raised. The Nextel™ Ministry of Education, in a meeting with 22nd Century Fox™, updated the[…]

Sponsored by the all-new Huge Mac: Now Even Huger! The BRI -AHS™ calendar has been a little light these last few months, so the McDonald’s ™ASB and the PTSA are putting together a few events that ought to draw attention from throughout the galaxy. First on the list is the “Back to your Roots™” art show by Coca Colatm  on April 10. Students will be displaying their best emulations of the last known operating system to use binary processors, “Windows 13™ ”. The first place winner of this show will be given brand new “CokeV™” wet trinary processor. The event will go from 3’30” to 7’00” (Stardate 3672110.335). There is a Virtual Quidditch™  tournament for the upper flight classes of the school on April[…]

Sponsored by Planet Express The U.S. Hipstorical Society has consolidated every ridiculous artifact imaginable into one single venue.   As soon as I walked through the doors of the convention hall, I knew I was in a different world.  There were people dressed up in clothes made of cotton, wool, and polyester.  These people looked like walking, talking antiques.  Vests, fedoras, and glasses with no lenses!  It looked as if this place was a refuge for the clinically insane.   Whilst attempting to avoid all eye contact, I found myself deep in the middle of their “Hipster Culture” wing.  And as I turned to my left, much to my horror, I saw their “music.” Looking through their music section was[…]

Sponsored by: DFTBA™ Records In the early 2000’s the use of print media was quickly on the decline and to some seemed to be a dying industry. However, in the twenty second century print media is seeing a revival like never before. One company that has started to implement this old method information distribution is  NEWZ, The New Era World’Zine, famed for their coverage on the  “Revenge of Rebecca Black” incident. “We were tired of the Koreas constantly pulling our content on Rebecca Black.” explains NEWZ journalist Eevee Beal. “While Rebecca may have a following in the United Koreas, the rest of the world hates her. Her atrocities to society need to be reported, but couldn’t do this on Skynet as[…]

Motivated by predictions of yet another coming apocalypse, the class of 2114 is preparing for the new end-of-the-year project being presented this April, building the models, plans, and rationales for the Microsoft™ Apocalypse Evacuation Fleet. The project, starting in late April, is similar to the sophomore lunar colony project from a century ago. Back in the early 21st century, all sophomores were required to complete the project since it was mandatory in all sophomore core classes. This year, the project is worth 15% of the overall grades for all core classes. Failure to make standard on the project will result in a failure of all core classes. At the head of the project is Microsoft™ representative David Darwin, and BRI™-AHS Humanities teacher,[…]

  Sponsored by Sirius Cybernetics Corportation Back in the good old days, there were really only two ways to get to school—driving or taking the bus, but now BladeRunner Industries Aviation High will offer teleportation as an alternative. Students of today have many choices, such as the extremely popular Lockmarboebombus™ (the new megacompany formed last year in the merger between Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, Bombardier, and Airbus) personal helicopter or the latest Martin jet pack model.  The new Aperture Laboratories (a Textron company) teleportation pad will eliminate the need for all the costly helicopter parking stalls and jet pack traffic jams in the morning. Even with the sophisticated air travel that has taken the world by storm, it is still slow.  Commuting[…]

The Century Actors, sponsored by Centurylink, have been selected to host and attend this year’s 2112 Oscars at the renovated Kodak Theater. This band of elite actors include classic acts such as Brad Pitt™, Angelina Jolie™, Natalie Portman™, Leonardo Di Caprio™, Tom Cruise™ and many more. All have been preserved using the rather new brain-preserve technology system using the high tech zip lock bags.  This is the 169th Oscars showing. For the past ten years, Google TV Interact has been airing the event. All nominated actors will be teleporting from all over the galaxy for this very special annual opportunity. This year, front row seats are particularly important as they have been reserved specifically for the Century Actors reunion. Rumor has it this[…]

Senior year: everyone expects it to be fun, exciting, even carefree, but what they don’t expect is the Senior sized bill that comes with it. With college applications, graduation, the grad night party, and even more expenses that expand beyond Senior year, being strapped for cash and under stress is the constant theme of weary soon-to-be graduates. You expect parties, jokes about being younger, and freedoms from the past three years when you start your senior year. But what do you find instead? Along with worrying about passing classes, getting all your credits in, and Senior projects, you find your wallet suddenly emptied in an attempt to participate in all the major parts of Senior life. College apps, oh how[…]