12112017 Headline:

Snark Attack Printers

By Phoenix Flyer

Ok, so the printers are pissing me off again. This time however, it’s not just the machine itself. It’s also the humans that operate these machines that really grind my gears.

The printers themselves work off and on, and are never close to being reliable. (These printers are about as reliable as a student saying that they truly enjoy aviation when applying to RAHS.) But even when the printers do decide to work, THERE ARE STILL ALWAYS PROBLEMS PRINTING.

Okay, so to start things off, sometimes the printer spits out your paper without asking you to enter your password. Wow! You may be saying to yourself, ‘oml this is so great and incredible and amazing. It removes the nuisance of securely printing my paper.’ Ah, but therein lies the problem, my dear Watson.

Let’s say that right after you print from your computer, you have to take a pop quiz in Mr. Joshi’s or drop an egg off of the third floor balcony for Mr. McComb, and you are too busy to pick up your paper from the printer. Well, that paper still gets printed and just chills on the tray.

BUT THEN you get slapped with a major oof. Some ignorant, unlettered, dingus thinks it would be totally helpful if they were to help you, the person who printed the paper, out by throwing your warm, freshly printed pieces of white and black perfection onto the counter. Don’t get the Snark wrong here, I appreciate a good citizen as much as the next man, but when these people decide it is acceptable to JUST THROW YOUR PAPER IN A PILE WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S, IT JUST CONTRIBUTES TO THE PROBLEM. This problem, my fellow students, is one of great importance to me.

It takes an estimated 0.8 more seconds to set papers down in a nice, pretty, and organized fashion instead of just throwing it. THAT IS ALL IT TAKES. So when people decide to have a competition on who can be the biggest heckin loser and build up Mount Everest by just tossing papers all over the counter it is irreverent and overall just a disgraceful thing to do.

Then there are those who take it a step further. A STEP FURTHER. THAT TAKES SERIOUS EFFORT. Like underclassmen put more work into messing up everyone’s lives at the printer than they do for their application for the lottery. WELL, this next group of people just mock those who are not at the printer yet. THESE PEOPLE take paper STRAIGHT OFF of the printers tray AND HECKIN MAKE THEM INTO BASKETBALLS SO THEY CAN PATHETICALLY MISS THE TRASH CANS LIKE THE PLEBS THEY ARE.

Don’t be that guy. Don’t be that girl. The people at this school will appreciate you so much more if you just stop. That is all.

Warmest of regards,

Snark

Printing Patrol

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