06252018 Headline:

Snark Attack

The Lunchline Lingerers

By Phoenix Flyer

Food. It’s more than important. It’s vital. Dealing with the stress of final projects, studying, and all of the other work that’s piled onto the poor devils here can be very difficult, and to add insult to injury, lunch lines that are slower than a whale. Everyday it’s the same issue that I am stuck with, seeing these boneheaded twits cut in line to socialize with their fellow cretins…

THERE IS ALWAYS THE SAME GROUP OF LUMPENPROLETARIAT THAT VIOLATE THE SANCTITY OF THE LUNCH LINE!

You know who you lot are, I won’t name you… Instead of feeding you to the sharks, I’ll feed you lot to the angry masses by exposing your crime against our unspoken rules.

Ever since I was just a little, snarky, cute shark pup in kindergarten we all knew how the line worked and we respected it. You start at the end of the line and DON’T CUT! I depend on the lunch line to feed and maintain my snarky wit and smooth figure. But the dunderheads who, more than ten years after kindergarten, cut in the lunch line enrage me and the so many other students who just want food.

I’d quite enjoy sinking my teeth into all of the unwashed masses that cause this problem, something I could easily do, but these pilgarlic krills that call themselves people constantly hold up the line with their jabber and cutting, and nobody has called them out yet! It’s time for that to end. It’s time for us to say a firm “no,” restore the lunch line back to its natural order and efficiency, and purge this mass of knuckledraggin’ mouthbreathers from our once-pure line.

Even if you don’t eat school lunches, you’ve assuredly have had to awkwardly squeeze through these people. The brainless mob of these zombie-like idiots make simply passing from the east end of the lunchroom to the west end impossible. Your only choice, no — OUR only choice is to finally tell these people off and get the order, efficiency, and food that we deserve.

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