11252017 Headline:

Snark Attack

By Phoenix Flyer

Do you know what everyone loves to the bottom of their heart space? High school parking lots. Do you know what their favorite thing about high school parking lots is? People who park like absolute jack@$$es.

 

I’m talking about the people who double park their beater cars and people who are trying to fix their daddy issues by pretending to be cool with their “nice” cars. I literally have no idea how they manage park so terribly as the spots are gigantic, but alas, they do. Here’s a really fun, super shocking never-heard-before newsflash: no one actually likes these people. If you are one of them, reevaluate your life choices, look deep inside yourself, and stop being you. Be someone else. When you do dumb stuff to your friends’ cars, like park 0.0002 inches away from them so they can’t get into their car, they don’t think that you’re cool or funny. They actually think that you are an irritating human being with little to no brain cells.  

 

A special message to those who are overly-confident in your car parking capabilities: the shark is not a snitch, though there have been many times when I, and many others, have felt the desire to rat you out. Also, you are so lucky that nobody has keyed “F OFF” into your car, or slashed your tires, or busted out your windows. (I have many more ideas than this.)

 

These people are hiding their insecurities behind their choices, so the rest of us should try to take pity on them. I know it’s hard. It’s easy to hate them and plot to ruin both their car and their day. Believe me, I know. But behind their entitled, narrow-minded, cocky, pompous, vain, lazy, annoying, arrogant, compulsive, impulsive, and inconsiderate behavior, there’s a little boy crying for help. That’s all that they are: sad little snot-nosed punks loving their cars because they can’t find any affection elsewhere.

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