08182017 Headline:

Ground Control – Volume #5 Issue #6

By Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

With the school’s new selfie requirement, I’ve figured out how bad I am at taking them. Do you have any tips on how to take the best selfies?

Sincerely,

Snapchat Serious

Dear Snapchat Serious,

Before we decide how to take the best selfies, let’s figure out what type of selfie person you are.

  • Do you use the Instagram hashtag #selfie #SelfieSunday #SelfieSaturday and/or #LookAtMe?

  • Is your album on any of your thousands of social media sites lacking in duck faces?

  • Is the wallpaper of your phone a picture of yourself smiling?

  • When people get your snapchats are they not ROTFLing?

  • Do you hate it when people save your ugly photos?

If you answered “yes” to three or more of these five questions, then you prefer for people to have attractive photos of you. You’re the “Smiler.” As the “Smiler,” there are many things you need to think about in taking the best selfie type for you. Here’s an acronym to help remember what to do: LARP; Lighting, Angle, Redo, and Post. Find a window that can wash out the acne in your face, you should have an unnatural white cast. Tilt your chin towards the camera and away at a 30 degree angle, then pretend to be a 16-year-old girl and take 20 photos rapid speed on your front camera. Delete all of them, and do this again. Make sure you do this step because no one ever gets a solid selfie on the first try. Then take 20 more, find one that you hate the least, then blur your face and make yourself white or orange on one of the 7 editing apps that you have. Then, post that on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Flickr, and/or Photoshare.

If you answered “no” to three or more of these five questions, you don’t really give a hoot about the types of photos people have of you. In other words, you’re an “Ugg-o.” Since you don’t care what you look like in photos, there is creative freedom in what you can do. For example, try the “No Lip” look, or the “Classic Double Chin.” With these fabulous photos, you can bombard your best friend’s Snapchat Story or their Instagram feed.

Make sure to stay on top of those selfie requirements! Take too many of them. Be that guy.

Sincerely,

Ground Control

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ground Control,

I’m so used to our school not having the best school spirit. I’ve always been a middle ground person, but with this new policy, I have to be a shirtless, face painting screamer or a “I’m a too cool for school” person in the back of the bleacher. I like having school spirit, but I’m self-conscious about my body. Any tips on how I can show my school spirit in another way?

Sincerely,

Not-o Scream-o

Well Not-o Scream-o…..

Since our school is now requiring the stereotypes of “All Out Spirit” and “Too Cool for School,” you really don’t have any other options. I’m thinking you’re going to have to suck it up and pick #sorrynotsorry.

So you’re self-conscious about your body type. That’s good. You’re a normal high school student. If you’re a girl, you should keep your shirt on. That’s opening all types of doors that Ground Control is not allowed to talk about, but you can learn all about this in RAHS’ new Home Economics class. If you’re a dude that doesn’t have glorified abs like we all wish you did, that’s okay. Keep your shirt on. But if you’d really like to take your shirt off, try disguising unwanted flabs and hair with LOADS of paint. Darker colors won’t draw as much attention to your body imperfections, compared to brighter ones. “All Out Spirit” would require you to buy a lot of spirit wear, colored paint, and lots of dance and event tickets. But that’s the price of being involved in all the school activities.

If you really like your school, then I would go all out. If you don’t like it enough for that, then definitely choose the “Too Cool for School” option. This requires less effort, less caring, and less of everything.

So take your pick.

Sincerely,

Ground Control

 

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