07222017 Headline:

Homecoming and dealing with the introverts

By Phoenix Flyer

With less than a week left until Homecoming, I’m too scared to ask someone and I don’t think anyone will ask me. What should I do?

 

  • Dateless and Desperate

 

 

Dear Dateless,

 

Man up: pick up the remote, turn off season 5, episode 3 of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood (I know you don’t want to miss the Trolley Song, but it’s Netflix, and it’ll be there when you get back), get up off the sofa, pull up your big boy pants, and just go and ask someone out for goodness’ sake. I mean seriously, how scary could it be? There are only 400 of your closest friends watching to see if you fail. Don’t worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, there’s like a 2% chance they’ll say yes. If you fail, you can always listen to some Coldplay. You know, “when you try your best but you don’t succeed…” It’s a real pick-me-up. On the off-chance that they do say yes, congratulations! You’ve earned a night of awkwardly standing there staring at each other, listening to bad music.

 

Good luck with your date, whether you get it or not,

Ground Control.

 

There’s this guy who I really like, and we’re going to Homecoming together, but I think I want a relationship. How do I get him to ask me out?

 

  • More than Dancing

 

 

Dear Dancing,

 

There are a couple good ways to get a guy to ask you out, and none of them include the stereotypical dating advice. The first thing someone would tell you is to be yourself. While in theory this is true, let’s take a moment to be honest. When you start dating someone, you put your best self forward. You don’t come right out and say “I’m going to stop showering and start wearing sweats three months into our relationship.” Reveal layers of yourself, like an onion. The second piece of stereotypical dating advice is “play hard to get.” This is a big no-no. People at this school suck at signals. They’ll probably think you hate them. You must openly flirt, and on many occasions actually tell them that you like them. Forcefully. Some of the best advice that I’ve ever heard is to do the classic dating move: the “bend and snap.” It has an 83% success rate.

 

If all else fails, I’m available 😉

 

All my love,

Ground Control

 

Sophomores are everywhere. The problem is, they are kind of odd and they’re really hard to talk to. They seem so disconnected with the world. Will freshman like me turn into these odd mutant animals? Has this weird stage once happened to the juniors and seniors? How can I talk to them without making it awkward?

 

  • Stunned by Sophomores

 

 

Dear Stunned,

 

You’re right. They are everywhere. But do you know where the freshman are? I’ll give you a hint. It’s in the way, and it’s right in the middle of the hall. Who are you guys to talk? You were in middle school less than 6 months ago. Sophomores, on the other hand, are in that weird in between phase. They’re not little caterpillars like you, but they aren’t quite glorious butterflies like the upperclassmen. They aren’t all robot, but they aren’t all cop. They aren’t lawful good, and they aren’t chaotic evil. They’re no longer a puppet, but they still aren’t a real boy. They’re neither here nor there. They’re somewhere in the middle.

 

By definition, sophomores are odd. The word is derived from the greek roots “soph” and “moros,” literally translating to “wise fools.” One thing that is for certain is that all the classes go through this phase. This year’s juniors and seniors went through it, and next year, you freshman will be just as awkward, odd, and mutant-y as this year’s sophomores. Y’all will think you’re all that because you won’t be freshman anymore. The thing you’ll have to remember though is that you’re still an underclassman, and three months made zero difference in your maturity. The only thing that will have changed is your class color. There’s no way to avoid being sophomoric, but there are effective ways to communicate with those who are going through the phase. They’ll understand you better if you talk really slowly and really loudly, with lots of pauses and hand gestures (all five fingers please). This technique won’t always be effective though. The most reliable way to get their attention is by posting a vague message on /r/aviation: they’ll get back to you within 5 minutes or so. The other option (my personal favorite) is to just wait to talk to them until they’re juniors.

 

You’ll go through your sophomoric phase, just as everyone else has. You must forgive the current sophomores. Someday, somehow, you’ll be as cool as the upperclassmen. Maybe.

 

Best of luck,

Ground Control

 

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