09262017 Headline:

Ground Control

By Phoenix Flyer

Dear Ground Control,

Every time I park my car in the neat striped spot, people yell at me. I don’t understand why people are being so mean. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Parking Perp

 

Dear Perp,

After much thought about your problem, and those who are mean to you (I really do mean the specific… sharks, perhaps), I have devised a three-part plan to help you avoid your car being keyed.

Step 1: Reevaluate your life choices. Do these people actually have a reason to be mad at you? No? Are you sure? Would a tow truck driver see your car and think “payday”?

Step 2: Put your car in a mundane regular spot. If you really need to be special THAT BADLY, bring some sidewalk chalk and decorate whatever spot your heart desires. That way it could be striped OR polka-dotted.

Step 3: If that doesn’t satisfy your need to piss people off, try double parking your best friend or your worst enemy.

I sincerely hope you get towed,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

I have an AP test in a week and I haven’t gone to class all year. How do I get a 5 and pass my class?

Sincerely,

Five or Failure

 

Dear Failure,

Hey friend. As someone who is actually you, here’s my plan for optimizing my test score. It works well, I promise: Attend class and try to stay awake (I know that’s difficult but it’s the first step). Listen to the teacher lecture, and wonder what’s going on, think “Am I even in the right classroom? What’s gravity?” Now’s the time to go into Illuminate to check if you’re actually supposed to be in this room (you’re probably in the right place). Now, take a moment to think about all the things you’ve done wrong. Did you forget to tell your mother that you love her this morning before you left? Did you feed the dog? Did you steal a french fry from your friend freshman year? Did you actually watch all three LOTR movies all the way through (I assume you did to avoid studying). Remember that time that you tripped up the stairs in front of your crush in the fourth grade? Yeah you do. Now, it’s time to either realize that you can’t do anything right and that you’re going to fail, or to start binging Crash Course videos (that’s how I passed AP Advice-Giving).

May someone up there have mercy on your soul,

Ground Control

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