05222018 Headline:

FAKE Ground Control

By Phoenix Flyer

Dear Ground Control,

Why are all of your questions fake?

Sincerely,

An Underwhelmed Reader

Dear Underwhelmed Reader,

Wow, I’m hurt. Just kidding, I don’t dwell on small things, like your opinion and the questions submitted to the local newspaper advice column.

Anyways, to answer your question, I am going to ask you a few:

  1. If I were just going to make up questions, why would I go to the trouble of creating a tinyurl and a physical box to which students in the school can submit their questions?
  2. Why would I try to give myself more work by creating “fake questions” when I could just take it easy and respond to already submitted questions? Who do you think I am? lol
  3. Why would I be responding to your question right now? Oh no, are you going to accuse your own question of being fake too?
  4. Do you have anything better to do? Anything at all?

As you think about these questions, my best advice to you is to find some hobbies–some way to use your obvious excess of free time–and stop caring so much about Ground Control questions.

Have a fake day,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

In your previous issue, why was the same article printed on pages two AND three?

Sincerely,

Just Plain Confused?

Dear Plane Confused?

April Fools! Haha. Ha. Haha. Heh. Yup, that’s the only reason behind printing the same article twice, just to prank all you unsuspecting punks. It totally wasn’t a mistake or anything ahaha. We TOTALLY didn’t just mix up which article was supposed to be on which page and then forget to repaste the article even though we replaced the headline, cutline, and author. And it totally wasn’t Charlie’s fault lol.

It was all just an April Fools joke to see who actually reads the newspaper, which is none of you by the way. As far as I know, nobody realized except the one person who submitted this question–unless this is a fake question!?

Disclaimer: If you do read the newspaper, we here at The Phoenix Flyer greatly appreciate you. You make all the time we spend in class worth it! <3

Totally not salty at all,

Ground Control

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