10152018 Headline:

The Socratic Dialogue of the Age-Old OS Debate

By Aaron Abeyta


Stevius Jobs

William the Gatekeeper

Linusis Torvaldis


ENTER Stevius Jobs, William the Gatekeeper, and Chorus

Inside the basement of one of their parent’s houses, the smell of stale Doritos and old Mountain Dew fill the air. William the Gatekeeper is having problems with Internet Explorer crashing.

Stevius Jobs: Ah, William, why don’t you understand the superiority of the compass I created?

William the Gatekeeper:  That is because I did not create it.

Stevius Jobs: However, you admit that your creation, this Explorer, is faulty?

William the Gatekeeper: Why yes, but it has had stable improvements with each installment. And even though your compass is a lot more stable, my Explorer is used by more people. Besides let’s not start to discuss your word processor.

Stevius Jobs: Ah, you mouthbreather, it works just fine!

William the Gatekeeper:  Aside from the fact every single person, even the Persians, use my word processor!

Stevius takes a moment to collect his thoughts at this insult, and then stares at William straight in the face.

Stevius Jobs: But must I remind you of your misfortune in attempting to contribute in the distribution of music?

William the Gatekeeper: ……

Chorus: They bicker and they bicker, but they make no advancements to their arguments! One has heavily priced technology, the other has technology that certainly is not idiot proof!

ENTER Linusius Torvaldis


Both Stevius and William quickly stop their banter, as Linusius towers over them

Linusius Torvaldis: You fools argue over the most trivial things, but you don’t know that you have it easy. Tell me, how many release versions do you have?

Stevius Jobs: Ten systems, each with multiple versions.

William the Gatekeeper: Around 24 versions.

Linusius Torvaldis: See, I have hundreds of versions, ranging from the types used on your phone, to what the Russian military uses for security purposes. Your coffee shop hipsters who work on their “screenplays” and “PC Master Race” gamers have nothing to show against the men and women who create and use the many different versions of Linux.

William the Gatekeeper: But ours are so much easier to use!

Stevius Jobs: Yeah, drag and drop to save images is soo easy to use, and you don’t have to have the user program anything to make it work!


Linusius Paces back and forth in the basement; the smell of stale Doritos, old coffee, and flat Mountain Dew makes him gag in disgust.

Linusius Torvaldis: Do you not understand that you two have the exact same function and can do the same things?

William the Gatekeeper: But I can run more video games!

Stevius Jobs: And I don’t get as many viruses!

Linusius Torvaldis: Indeed, that is true. However, note that both of you have a standard desktop format, with an easy to reach search bar, AND similar parameters to download and use programs.

Linusius Torvaldis: The point is, you both are the same. You rely on each other. Your web browsers are being beaten by Larius Paige’s Chrome, and you both use the same music services. Speaking of Paige, you should be watching out for his Google Complex, it is charging into your fields faster than the Spartans, he has his own word processor, his own photo sharing site, and created the most popular search mechanism from here to Troy.

Stevius Jobs and William the Gatekeeper, in Unison: So you’re telling me we are similar and we should stop bickering?

Linusius Torvaldis: Yes, now please, go take a shower and clean up this sty.

Chorus: And So, Stevius Jobs and William the Gatekeeper finally shut their mouths for once and went on fixing the flaws in their products…

Larius Paige looks through the basement window with a menacing grin.

Chorus: …for now.

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