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The Shark Attacks Daylight Savings

By Phoenix Flyer

Ahh… Daylight Savings Time (DST), when we purposefully subject ourselves to jet lag by “springing” one hour ahead just to “fall back” six months later. Sure, it may be nice to get an extra hour of sleep in the fall — but we all know the agony teenagers face when we lose it again in the spring. Why do we subject ourselves to this anguish? You may think it helps the farmers somewhere out in Kansas, but the truth is:

Today, there is literally no reason that we should have Daylight Savings Time.

Seriously, we take our own sleep away for no reason at all! Sure, in the past we may have saved some electricity by staying outside longer and using less artificial light, but do you really think today, when everyone streams Netflix and swipes from hot guy to the unshowerered cheeto guy on Tinder, having that extra hour of sunlight will save electricity? Yeah, right.

Instead of saving money, DST actually costs money. I mean, do you honestly think already-sleep-deprived workers are going to be more productive when they suddenly lose an hour of sleep? Think of all the extra coffee that needs to be stocked in the break rooms and the longer lines of middle-aged women at Starbucks!

Not only that, countries that do use DST enter and exit daylight savings time on different days! Time zones are confusing enough, and now you have New York going forward an hour at a different time than London and you end up with a big fat timezone headache for Ms. Hiranaka. (And no one wants to think of Ms. Hiranaka with a headache. It would be like 400 students losing a parent.)

Not only is DST irritating, but it also has the potential to be deadly. In fact, according to CBS News, there is a 17 percent increase in traffic fatalities on the Monday after we enter DST. This makes sense: try driving when you’re a half-awake zombie, which isn’t saying much knowing that this is what RAHS students do every day. Have you seen what the juniors do on East Marginal Way?

Back in WWI, Germany became the first country to implement DST, and thanks to them, not only did a war break out in Europe, they helped to incite war between the teenagers who don’t want to get up and their parents who have the unfortunate job of pulling them out of bed an hour early.

Yes Germany, you have given us a lot, including the strudel, Einstein, ridiculously long words, cars that cheat on emissions tests, and Mr. Hoehne. But not so much thanks for giving us the stupid, costly, dangerous, and just plain annoying mess known as Daylight Savings Time.
–The Shark

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