10182018 Headline:

Snarky Malarkey

By Phoenix Flyer

You think I don’t notice. You think that no one sees you. You think you’re safe in your cozy aviation themed socks. But I know what you’ve done and you better not think there aren’t consequences.

I walk through the halls, into classrooms and bathrooms, by the printers and in the lunchroom… and what I see is devilry! Piles and piles — whole stacks — of the Phoenix Flyer thrown away like moldy spaghetti left in your closet. I see the work I have oh-so-kindly-done-out-of-the-kindness-of-my-heart for you in a crumpled heap in the recycling bin. Nay! The GARBAGE. You don’t even have the decency to dispose of me properly. Absolute fiends.

Clearly you are oblivious to this. You think: “Oh there’s no way a high school paper can do anything to retaliate… oh wow I’m so cool, look at me pretending to be some basketball superstar slam dunking paper into the garbage because I think I’m all that and the garbage is definitely the place for paper to go.” Oh sure, an inanimate newspaper can’t throw you in the trash pretending to swoosh hoops. Oh sure, massive bundles of paper won’t ever be exposed to radiation in some dump and become sentient. Oh sure, those papers that definitely won’t become sentient also definitely won’t collude with their fellow mutant trash and build an army. Oh sure, that army won’t know the location of the school or of every person who has every subscribed to the paper. Oh sure, said army won’t seek its revenge and plunge a sewer soaked pointy paper knife into the heart of every soulless RAHS student who has thrown away the paper. Oh sure, once they emerge victorious they won’t seek to destroy your known world just as you have destroyed ours.

Look, all I’m saying here is that there is absolutely nothing to worry about! Live your content little lives in blissful ignorance because there is definitely, definitely, no reason to think you are in any danger of a paper revolution.

With MUCH love,

The Snark

What Next?

Related Articles