07222017 Headline:

Snark Attack: The bashing of the evac chair

By Phoenix Flyer

Photo courtesy of Julia Toone

Photo courtesy of Julia Toone

Imagine you’re in in the midst of a school emergency. The alarms are chiming just loudly enough for you to notice the state of crisis. The voice telling you to leave before you die is giving directions in the most polite and passive aggressive way possible–almost like an airline hostess! So now you’ve got your aviation reference of the day and things are good, even though the building is in flames, but wait…

What about your friend on crutches? How ever will they manage on the stairs?!

Have we got a deal for you! Why carry your friend to safety when you could complicate the process with a Stryker Evacuation Chair? Strap your friend up onto one of these chairs and, in the chaos of a burning school, assemble a team of students to carry your friend and the chair!

These luxury vehicles are designed with all the straps you’d need on your average dissection table, guaranteed to be awkward and uncomfortable.

Now, as civilized humans, it’s no longer survival of the fittest. No, we operate with honor and chivalry. All for one, one for all! With how long it takes to drag an evac squad down the 3rd floor, all of the people involved can meet their fiery demise for the sake of the one person, who is probably busy having their circulation cut off by velcro.

People won’t take that long, you say. Why would anyone want to take their time to safely move the injured when you could race down the stairs haphazardly? Really, being escorted by lawyers to an impending lawsuit is much more glamorous than a standard fire truck and ambulance.

It’s fair to say these chairs are crucial parts of the modern RAHS building, having been here since the grand opening, and having almost never been used or mentioned, or tested often with students. Simply by staying in the hallways, they keep us that much safer! These silent guardians are worth their weight in gold, or at least cost thousands of dollars, so it’s good to see them being a worthy investment.

…Train people to use these chairs? Make them viable and safe transportation…? What? That’s ridiculous.

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