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Snark Attack April 2015

By Joshua Stueck

I know I’m a shark, but I’ve got beef with every single freaking chair inside of this school building. I’d be willing to bet that if somehow the school was plowed over by a runaway train or broken down by an earthquake, not a single chair would move an inch. You’d have a pile of rubble with a neat organization of red chairs emerging from the dust. In fact, these chairs should’ve been used to build the foundation of the building. At least that way, the west side of the building wouldn’t be sinking into the river.

I mean how did they market these things? “Buy the perfect kidnapping chair! It will NEVER MOVE! $15.99. Buy two, get one free!” And since the school is built by lowest bidder, I bet they went for the offer.

Now as great as these chairs might be as floor magnets, its not all that great when one would like to reposition himself. It would be easier to grab a shovel, dig around the chair, and move the ground with the chair on it than to slide the chair.

Granted, these chairs do have decent arch support, which is a nice bonus to supplement the lack of anything else convenient that has to do with them. Other than that, these chairs come from a place where the sun don’t shine…perhaps from somewhere where the chief chair engineer had his head at the time of designing them.

And red. What a perfect color for such demonic objects… and don’t even get me started on the faux office chairs.

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