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Snark Attack – 10/17/2016

By Phoenix Flyer

It’s 8:58 a.m. You’ve just finished a super important essay for Ms. Cook and it’s only two minutes before the start of her class. Your heart is pounding in your chest as Eminem lyrics pass through your head: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti.  You’re so close to failing this class and you have to get this essay into Cook’s basket before nine. The only thing left between you and mediocre success is the school printer. You start to pray to RAHS_FLOOR2EAST_C4240A.


You run to the beast, hoping that it’ll work, that it will spit out this one-of-a-kind essay. You turn into the hallway and into the little nook where the monster is, and stop in horror. Has there been a murder? Has the printer grown jaws?


Worse. A single, small red light glows on the devilish machine, signifying that there is an error, and that it has stopped working. In a panic you open the paper feeder and find that it is completely jammed. Someone had tried to print three documents at once, while kicking the printer, while opening all of the drawers. You look at the clock. 9:00. You’ve just failed to turn in your essay on time, and you’ve just failed Cook’s class (again) all because some idiot messed up the printer!


Even though, to be completely honest, you were the idiot for trying to print two minutes before class, there is nothing more annoying than not being able to do so because someone completely broke the machine. I mean, printing is a privilege for all RAHS students, and it’s so frustrating when one student messes it up for everybody. And to make things worse, most of the reasons they break down are really, really idiotic.


When paper gets jammed in the printer, don’t just try and yank it out, leaving little bits and shards of paper stuck inside. I mean, seriously, what’s so hard about removing the paper carefully with two hands?


Also, when the printer’s out of paper, for the love of God feed the paper to the monster properly. What idiot just shoves the paper inside the drawers and slams the drawer shut without checking to make sure the paper actually fits inside the tray? This is some elementary school-level stuff. Honestly, I thought this was a school for geniuses.


Finally, the most idiotic, most discourteous, most annoying thing that y’all do is completely obliterate other students’ print-jobs. What if I printed an essay, and I was heading down the hall to go pick it up just to find that someone had already taken it from the printer, shredded the cover page, scattered the rest of the pages on the floor or in the black hole that is the recycling bin, and used my works cited page as toilet paper. You do know that this isn’t your printer. I’m sure your parents think you’re an angel, but in the real world you are no special snowflake.


So please, I’m begging you. I’m ordering you. I’m commanding you. The power of Snark compels you. Don’t you dare mess up the printer for anyone else, because if you do, the printer will stop working for you when you need it the most — like when you’re about to fail Cook’s class.


Karma’s like a female dog. Remember it.

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