05302017 Headline:

Ground Control: Going Goth and Looking for Love

By Phoenix Flyer

Dear Ground Control,

After how much I enjoyed the last class colors day, I decided that I like wearing all black. What are your tips to stay stylish while sporting this new goth look?

Sincerely,

Aspiring Goth

 

Dear Goth,

You’ve come to the right place. As a fashion icon, I am single-handedly capable of bring back goth.

For your reference, here are some ground rules:

  • Rule number one and by far most important: Always go for the darkest pair of jeans. That light gray won’t cut it. It should be the color of the pupils of your enemy before you slay them in battle.
  • It’s important to remember to look the same every day. I do not recommend wearing the same shirt/pants every day, but you must limit the variation in your appearance. People will think “how do they always wear the same outfit, but still smell and look like they did laundry?” Maximum style achieved, and minimum time spent on deciding what to wear.
  • You may be tempted to wear short sleeves during the summer, but in order to be a true goth, you must disregard the possibility of heat stroke and never show your arms. Showing skin is weakness. People should never know what your elbow truly looks like.

Bonus points: Dye your hair black, like your soul.

If you’re not ready to go full goth, here are some tips to spice up the all black:

  • Try a red flannel, like the blood of your enemies. Or like the hearts of men, whatever your cup of tea is.
  • Add a little lace. This may seem counterproductive, but it adds to your angsty appearance. Like you’re torn between two things and can’t make a decision, and that’s why your soul is so tortured.

Sincerely,

Ground Control


Dear Ground Control,

Will you be my Valentine?

Sincerely,

Loser in Love

 

Dear Loser,

It’s not me, it’s you. If you’re resorting to asking someone out via Google Forms you clearly have something going on that I, a beautiful and majestic butterfly, do not want to get tangled up in. I get that I am a total catch, and that anyone would love to have me be their Valentine, but I’m waiting for someone who will sweep me off my feet. I’m talking about someone who will release doves white as snow and butterflies as blue as the night sky from a golden cage while serenading me with an original song about how amazing I am. If you want to win me over, you have to dazzle me. I suppose if you’d like to take my advice and try to sway me in your favor, call the number below.

Sincerely,

Ground Control

206 382 5633

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