05302017 Headline:

Ground Control: 10 Foot Poles and Bathroom Anxiety

By Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

Is there any subject you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

-Wonder Walle

 

Dear Walle,

Things I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole because EWWW!:

  • Backpack dust
  • Urinal handles
  • Cafeteria food

Things I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole because my hindsight is 20/20:

  • The RAHS dating scene
  • The turquoise pen during my timed write
  • Chipotle

Things I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole because I have a life:

  • Extra credit problems
  • The Dungeons and Dragons convention this weekend
  • The Phoenix Flyer A&A section

 

Sincerely,

Ground Control

 

I can only go to the bathroom when there is nobody else in the room. The urinals scare me, and I can’t deal when other people come in. What should I do?

-The Terrified Tinkler

 

Dear Tinkler,

 

I don’t really know what to tell you, but I can reassure you that this is actually normal–although you may have taken it to an extreme. It should help to remember that the other people there are to do exactly what you’re doing, unlike the girls bathroom. Girls go to the bathroom to fix their hair, and judge you for using the bathroom for its actual purpose. Guys on the other hand? They probably don’t care. They probably couldn’t care less. Consider yourself lucky. You’ll be okay.

As for the urinals, they scare me too. If I were you I wouldn’t use them. In fact, I advise that you avoid it at all costs. They’re simply a trifecta of gross. One: The floor in front of it is just yellow. Two: the handles. Three: Urinal cakes

I have faith in you, good luck.

Ground Control

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