Snark Attack

Food. It’s more than important. It’s vital. Dealing with the stress of final projects, studying, and all of the other work that’s piled onto the poor devils here can be very difficult, and to add insult to injury, lunch lines that are slower than a whale. Everyday it’s the same issue that I am stuck with, seeing these boneheaded twits cut in line to socialize with their fellow cretins…


You know who you lot are, I won’t name you… Instead of feeding you to the sharks, I’ll feed you lot to the angry masses by exposing your crime against our unspoken rules.

Ever since I was just a little, snarky, cute shark pup in kindergarten we all knew how the line worked and we respected it. You start at the end of the line and DON’T CUT! I depend on the lunch line to feed and maintain my snarky wit and smooth figure. But the dunderheads who, more than ten years after kindergarten, cut in the lunch line enrage me and the so many other students who just want food.

I’d quite enjoy sinking my teeth into all of the unwashed masses that cause this problem, something I could easily do, but these pilgarlic krills that call themselves people constantly hold up the line with their jabber and cutting, and nobody has called them out yet! It’s time for that to end. It’s time for us to say a firm “no,” restore the lunch line back to its natural order and efficiency, and purge this mass of knuckledraggin’ mouthbreathers from our once-pure line.

Even if you don’t eat school lunches, you’ve assuredly have had to awkwardly squeeze through these people. The brainless mob of these zombie-like idiots make simply passing from the east end of the lunchroom to the west end impossible. Your only choice, no — OUR only choice is to finally tell these people off and get the order, efficiency, and food that we deserve.

Ground Control Stress and Kazooooooo

Dear Ground Control,

I am struggling under the pressure of junior year so much that the few days where I get my homework done and I’m able to relax, I feel even more stressed about everything. What can I do?


Forever Stressed


Dear Stressed,

I’m sorry to say it, but welcome to junior year. I don’t understand it, but something about those nine months makes it full of tears, sleepless nights, endless homework, and a whole lot of stress. Maybe it’s the start of AP classes, maybe it’s the looming college apps, maybe it’s even that memes have become your one and only coping strategy. Either way, no one’s doing too well junior year and everyone knows it.

No matter what your workload is, always remember to take care of yourself. You are more important than any piece of homework or test (sorry teachers, but it’s true). Treat yourself to your favorite foods, drink a cup of tea, read a book, listen to music, sit in the hot tub on the fourth floor, do anything to take your mind off the crushing pressure of school for a little bit. It’s okay to take a break and focus on yourself.

I’m proud of you,

Ground Control


Dear Ground Control,

I am deeply concerned about a fellow student. I think we all want answers as to the fate of the infamous Kazoo Kid. Does he still Kazoo? Did his Kazoo get crushed by the pressure of freshman year? Was he in a terrible accident where he lost his abilities? We all need answers.

Kazoo kid, if you’re reading this, are you okay? We need a sign. Be the hero this school needs, not what we deserve.


Koncerned students


Dear Koncerned students,

I miss Kazoo Kid as much as any of you, trust me. His beautiful notes used to fill my mornings with joy, despite the fact that I was walking into this desolate place known as RAHS. He gave me hope and, dare I say, a will to live. Without his melodious tune in my ears, I fear I am nothing.

Therefore, due to the personal implications, I decided to do my own investigative research. After a long journey full of hiking treacherous mountains and slaying villainous beasts, I succeeded in tracking down Kazoo Kid and proceeded to ask him why he took the happiness from our lives. His response:

“I sat on my Kazoo accidentally and broke it, that’s my reason for disappearing.”

This is tremendous news! It means that his absence is temporary, and soon he will once again be able to bless us with his Kazoo. On behalf of everyone at RAHS, we hope your Kazoo is fixed soon, Kazoo Kid, and you soon continue to enhance our days with your music.

I miss you,

Ground Control

Ground Control: New Years Resolutions?

Dear Ground Control,

My friends say that having a New Year’s resolution is bad. Is it really?


Scared for 2018

Dear Scared,

The answer to this question depends on you as a person. Some people could really and truly benefit from a New Year’s resolution, but others find it pointless.

For example, if you are say, a freshman, a resolution to stop annoying the seniors could really improve your life. In fact, they might even start to like you. On the other hand, if you are perfect in every single way, a resolution could just hold you back and keep you from shining like the star you are.

If you are anything less than perfect, a small New Year’s resolution could better your life. Maybe try to eliminate that bad habit that you hide from your friends because you’re embarrassed, or try to do one nice thing for someone a day (god knows this world needs it), or even try to stop procrastinating!




HAHAHA just kidding, we all know you’ll never do that.

But don’t go to the extreme with resolutions, because you’ll just end up disappointing yourself and everyone around you! (:

Good luck,

Ground Control

Ground Control: Mr. Mannion

Dear Ground Control,

How did Mr. Mannion create chemistry? It’s indisputable that he did, but how? What were his motivations?


Curious Chemist

Dear Lesser Chemist,

Of course our exquisite chem-god — pronounced (Che-em) as decreed by the lord himself — has blessed us with his marvelous creation. As for how, well, some believe that before chemistry, there was a world full of heathen cake. Mannion, who could no longer stand this atrocity, went on a mission to banish cake and replace it with glorious pie. In the process, he accidentally discovered amazing jokes, perfect Spanglish, and, of course, chemistry, bringing joy to millions.

Anyways, enough speculation, let’s just get stoiched (you’re welcome) that he set aside some of his time to construct this wonderful class just for us.

Let me know of any other theories you’ve heard!

Ground Control

Snark Attack WoBBLy sTAiRs

Dear peers,

There’s an uprising against us. It’s the main stairway, the anonymous steps that give themselves character when they qUaKe and TreMbLE when one does nothing but step on them. I lose a little bit of hope for my life everytime I walk up the stairs and when the steps jump and shake.

That heartbeat, it quickens whenever I go down the stairs, desPeraTely needing to print my hastily finished literature assignment. Mr. Storer’s class starts in 2 minutes; I need to correctly time my ritual. 30 seconds and I have arrived to the staircase — I send a silent prayer that I do not fall as I send myself flailing and running down the stairs — I don’t hear or feel anything. The prayers have been heard.

I am faster than the speed of lighTninG and the page-number-less assignment is in my hands. My shaky, sweaty hands. Almost there; I forget to wish and I walk up the stairs, feeling a step make the slightest wobble. Another one trembles. I run up two more and they push down. It feels as though I am about to fall through the staircase. Falling to my demise, I have face planted onto the stairs and squashed like a bUgG.

I am nothing more than a slug sliding down right back to where I started, and Storer has already counted my assignment late.

Could you just imagine if Jeff Bezos comes to visit our school? He walks up the stairs, his shiny head sparkling in the sunlight through those glass panes, celebrating a beautiful staircase, seemingly floating in midair. He takes the first step, perhaps taking a sip of coffee, before he falls to his face, his beautiful globe of wondrous ideas no longer shiny and tarnished.

Can’t we sign a petition or something? This is outrageous. Stepping on these steps is like feeling that long overdue Pacific Northwest earthquake has finally come. We need to do something about the staircase. Replace it completely, make people rock climb to the next level or use a pogo stick — anything! Just, please — stop risking my life and my grade again and again.


The Shark

Snark Attack Printers

Ok, so the printers are pissing me off again. This time however, it’s not just the machine itself. It’s also the humans that operate these machines that really grind my gears.

The printers themselves work off and on, and are never close to being reliable. (These printers are about as reliable as a student saying that they truly enjoy aviation when applying to RAHS.) But even when the printers do decide to work, THERE ARE STILL ALWAYS PROBLEMS PRINTING.

Okay, so to start things off, sometimes the printer spits out your paper without asking you to enter your password. Wow! You may be saying to yourself, ‘oml this is so great and incredible and amazing. It removes the nuisance of securely printing my paper.’ Ah, but therein lies the problem, my dear Watson.

Let’s say that right after you print from your computer, you have to take a pop quiz in Mr. Joshi’s or drop an egg off of the third floor balcony for Mr. McComb, and you are too busy to pick up your paper from the printer. Well, that paper still gets printed and just chills on the tray.

BUT THEN you get slapped with a major oof. Some ignorant, unlettered, dingus thinks it would be totally helpful if they were to help you, the person who printed the paper, out by throwing your warm, freshly printed pieces of white and black perfection onto the counter. Don’t get the Snark wrong here, I appreciate a good citizen as much as the next man, but when these people decide it is acceptable to JUST THROW YOUR PAPER IN A PILE WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S, IT JUST CONTRIBUTES TO THE PROBLEM. This problem, my fellow students, is one of great importance to me.

It takes an estimated 0.8 more seconds to set papers down in a nice, pretty, and organized fashion instead of just throwing it. THAT IS ALL IT TAKES. So when people decide to have a competition on who can be the biggest heckin loser and build up Mount Everest by just tossing papers all over the counter it is irreverent and overall just a disgraceful thing to do.

Then there are those who take it a step further. A STEP FURTHER. THAT TAKES SERIOUS EFFORT. Like underclassmen put more work into messing up everyone’s lives at the printer than they do for their application for the lottery. WELL, this next group of people just mock those who are not at the printer yet. THESE PEOPLE take paper STRAIGHT OFF of the printers tray AND HECKIN MAKE THEM INTO BASKETBALLS SO THEY CAN PATHETICALLY MISS THE TRASH CANS LIKE THE PLEBS THEY ARE.

Don’t be that guy. Don’t be that girl. The people at this school will appreciate you so much more if you just stop. That is all.

Warmest of regards,


Printing Patrol

Ground Control Christmas and College

Dear Ground Control,

I am a senior and everyone around me seems stressed out over “college apps.” I’m afraid of sounding dumb to my friends but, what’s a “college app”?


Confused (but not) in College


Dearest Confused,

Ah, college applications. Only the MOST important thing EVER. Every moment in your young life has prepared you to apply to colleges. Best part? The college you get in (or don’t) determines your worth for the rest of your meager existence. So get going, because half the deadlines have already passed and your parents’ disappointment is growing.

Not joking,

Ground Control

Oh wait, maybe I am. Maybe, just maybe, college apps do not determine the rest of your life. A healthy amount of stress is okay — it keeps you on top of things — but please don’t hurt yourself simply because you have a deadline next week. I hate to sound cheesy, but a lot of seniors need to hear it right now: only you can decide what becomes of your life. Whether that be applying to the top Ivy League or deciding that college isn’t for you, college isn’t what defines you. Your choice in college doesn’t make you any better or worse of a person. Only you control that! So work hard, but remember to play hard as well.

All my love,

Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

All of my friends are angry at me because I have started playing Christmas music 24/7. I think I am brightening their spirits but they don’t seem too happy about it. So, I gotta ask, when is it okay to listen to Christmas music?


Jolly in July


Dear Jolly,

Ho ho hold up, you’re listening to Christmas music already? It is most definitely not Christmas time yet, Thanksgiving hasn’t even passed! The most common rule around Christmas music is waiting until Thanksgiving is over. So WAIT.

I promise you will get your fair share of Christmas music throughout the month of December. With 24 hours a day for 31 days, that’s 744 hours of straight Christmas music, assuming that in your jolly state you do not sleep. That’s 44,640 minutes, meaning you can listen to “Last Christmas” by Wham! (4:37) 9,669.3 times. That’s quite enough, honey.

I know, I know, it’s already snowed. But so what? Just because it was extra cold does not mean you should force catchy tunes into other’s heads for an extra month of the year. If I have to hear Mariah Carey’s voice echoing through my ear cavity one more time in November, I will slit someone’s throat. You know what? All I want for Christmas is some peace and quiet.

Once Thanksgiving hits, however, go crazy! Play your holly jolly music on full blast at home! In the car! On Spotify that shouldn’t be downloaded on your school laptop! At your grandpa’s funeral! Everywhere!! Everywhere except around me.

Let it stop!

Ground Control

Snark Attack Fear of Change


Snark Attack: Fear Change


To paraphrase one of my favorite quotes: “The only permanent things in this world are change and your inability to deal with it”


Let’s get one thing straight here, people. Everything changes, from subatomic particles to the entire universe and everything in between. Even you change, though rarely for the better (the idea is to take more showers, not less. Just saying.)


Since its glorious founding in 2004, our beloved school has gone through many changes as it grew, relocated, and adapted to new students, new teachers, new administrators, new laws, new budgets, new graduation requirements and more. The one thing that has not changed, and indeed that shows no sign of changing any time soon, is your complete and utter inability to deal with those changes like normal, mature human beings.


Perhaps a Socratic dialog will help illustrate my gripe:


You: OH. MY. GOD. They’re not offering <name of class> any more. The entire, like, world will, like, never be the same, like, ever again. I will never get into college, I’ll never work for NASA, and my entire life is, like, totes ruined 4EVA.

Me: Shut up.


You: WHAT!?!?!?!? They revised the dress code!?!?!?!? How will I ever express my special, unique, creative self through the beautiful art of fashion? Must I be a mindless, soulless, generic khaki drone-person 4EVA? Down with Big Brother! Aaaaarrrrgh! Robble Robble!

Me: Shut up. Right now.


You: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! They changed the schedule! Now I can’t take every class I want, when I want, and be in every club I want, and on every team I want, and also do everything else I want, and come to school late, and leave school early, and have everything I want in the universe exactly how and when I want it! Bad school! Bad school!

Me: Shut. Up. shutupshutupshutup. Shuuuuuuut uuuuuuuuup.


You think everyone else should freeze the world in place to suit your needs? This school is as awesome as it is precisely BECAUSE it has continued to change and evolve and grow for so many years. RAHS (which used to be just AHS, by the way) has lost and gained teachers, classes, buildings, principals, partners, programs, clubs, teams, coaches, custodians, computer labs, and more, including almost 1,500 students since opening its doors. Some of you were still in diapers when this school got started, and if that’s not an argument for change, I don’t know what is, unless you’re still in diapers (which, let’s be honest, some of you act like you still need your mommies to wipe your butts for you.)


You may not like all of the changes this school goes through in your 4 years here, but one of those changes was letting you in, and besides, this school serves an entire community, not just you, so suck it up, buttercup, or the world will move on without you.


Sincerely yours,


El Sharkito Snarkito.


Dear Ground Control,

With autumn comes everyone’s least favorite Starbucks drink: the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Recently, I have noticed that it doesn’t end there. IT’S EVERYWHERE. Pumpkin spice this and pumpkin spice that. I hate pumpkin spice. How do I avoid it?

Sincerely, Pained by Pumpkin Spice


Dear loser,

I am like so sorry. Not for the fact that you are like totally being bombarded by pumpkin spice at every turn — that’s like a blessing — but for the fact that you haven’t, like, accepted it. Pumpkin spice isn’t just a fall fad, it is, like, a way of life. If you are not like constantly at the store buying pumpkin spice milk to accompany your pumpkin spice cereal for breakfast, like what are you even doing?

Starbucks is totally doing us a favor by forcing pumpkin spice on us as a marketing tactic. What am I even saying lol? I need another PSL to like sooth these troubling thoughts. Oh! Did you like hear the news? Starbucks is like introducing a new item: pumpkin spice tongue coat! OH EM GEE! That way you can like totally taste it all day long and never go a second without like thinking of the glorious drink our Starbucks gods brought to us.

Like go buy yourself a pumpkin spice latte right now. Pls get one for me too, I’m too busy taking cute selfies with my bae <3 in our hawt Ugg boots.

Like, join us.


Like totally yours truly,

Ground Control


Dear Ground Control,

On Halloween, all of my friends will be watching horror movies together. Between you and me, I can’t stand horror movies! They scare me too much, but I want to seem cool in front of my friends. What do I do?

Sincerely, Fearful of Phantoms


Dear Fearful,

Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret safe. It’s not like it’s going out for the whole school to read or anything.

Anyways, I’m sure you’re not alone in your fear, there are plenty of other pusillanimous souls like your own. I, of course, am not one of them, for I have no fears. But still, it’s okay to be afraid.

As I see it, you have two options here. One is you close your eyes and hope the popcorn muffles your screams and dries your tears. There is a 100% guarantee (NOT REALLY) that your friends will only be thinking of how cool you are, or your money back! Two, the safer option, is convincing all your friends to go trick-or-treating instead! Sure, you might be a little too old to play dress up and ask people for treats, but free candy is free candy!

Try not to get too spooked by the little kids dressed up as princesses, okay?


BOO! –did I getcha?

Ground Control

Open post

Midspread Answer Key

  1. Sports (of the mind)
    1. What is the founding year of robotics team? (2006-2007)
    2. What is the founding year of frisbee team? ( 2012)
    3. Who coaches the Sci-Oly study groups? (Mr. Mannion)
    4. Number of Sci-Oly events? (24)
    5. Number of speech and debate events? (14)
    6. How many coaches has the Ultimate team had? (2)
  2. Teachers & Staff
    1. How many founding teachers at AHS in its first year? (4)
    2. Biology is “more of a conceptual science, it’s not always ____ and ______” (Black and White)
    3. What was the first location of AHS? (south seattle community college duwamish campus)
    4. How does Mannion bring sarcastic energy into the room? (Riddles)
    5. What teacher used to own a travel agency? (Ms. Olsen)
    6. Who was the principal before Mrs. Tipton? (Mr. Kelly)
    7. Who was the principal before Mr. Kelly? (Mrs. Gilman)
    8. What 2 staff members at RAHS now have been with the school since it opened?
    9. Mrs. Juarez used to do what with a team from the Special Olympics? (Coach them)
  3. Storyboards (maybe call this “community?”)
    1. What kind of guy is David Storch? (An ordinary one)
    2. Who said “I will prepare and someday my chance will come?” HINT: wore a tall top hat     (third floor) abraham lincoln
    3. Who’s the only astronaut on the RAHS founding board of directors? (bonnie j dunbar)
    4. What are the four propulsion systems? HINT: second floor (fan, compressor, combustor, turbine, second floor)
    5. When was Seatac originally built?? (1944)
    6. “Who said we should avoid the statement that ‘it can’t be done?” (W. E. Boeing)
    7. What is the greatest professional joy? HINT: first floor (where your work, your passion, and your livelihood coincide. Hint:first floor)
    8. Finish the quote: “Pay it Back, _____________.” HINT: said by Dr. Raisbeck (pay it forward, hint: first floor and said by Mr. raisbeck)
    9. Finish the phrase: Know the ______ to win HINT: first floor  (game, hint 1st floor)
    10. Finish the phrase: Don’t be afraid to _____ _______ HINT: third floor (dream big, HINT: third floor)
  4. Random Knowledge
    1. How many students were in the 1st AHS graduating class? (1)
    2. When was the square root of 144 flag put up? (2014)
    3. How many story boards on the third floor reference alaska airlines? (3)
    4. Which graduating class initially donated the spirit rock? (2013-2014)
    5. What was the name and the year the first person go the rolls royce award? HINT: check in the lobby (Griffin Nicoll 2009)
    6. What is the color of the aircraft hanging from the ceiling of RAHS? (red)
    7. Which floor do the teachers live on? (fourth)
    8. What date was the new location of RAHS opened? 17 October 2013
    9. Don’t forget to be _______ (awesome)
Open post

AP scheduling puts a damper on May

With May and AP tests approaching, some of the juniors and seniors of RAHS are tasked with the difficult challenge of taking more than one AP test in a single day.


In fact, junior Izzie Torres, who is taking five AP courses, must take four total tests in just two consecutive days.


“I really wish they were spread out a bit more because I know just last year, after taking AP Japanese, I was exhausted,” said Torres, “so the second test of the day probably won’t go as well as the first.”


Senior Uyen Tran agrees with Torres’ perspective but recognizes that nothing can be done because the schedules are determined by the College Board. She is, however, practicing for her AP Spanish exam.


“I would definitely rather have them spread out over three days,” said Tran, “because I know we have a really brief lunch in between, and I don’t know if that’s enough to recuperate, but así es la vida.”


The pressure is not only on the actual test day, but the at-home preparation before the AP exams.


“If I want to do a little bit of studying the night before,” said Torres, “I have two tests to study for instead of just one.”


There are benefits to taking two AP tests in a day: students like Tran will be able to get them over with quicker.


“I am taking three tests within two days, so it will be nice just to get them all done together,” said Tran, “and then relax afterwards because I won’t have to worry about another one.”


Mary Ciccone-Cook recognizes the inflexibility of AP scheduling due to the fact that all students across the nation must start the test at the same time to prevent cheating.


“Part of what they have to deal with is the fact that they have students all over the country taking the test with the different time zones,” said Cook. “They try to schedule it as conveniently as possible but somewhere along the lines, some students are going to have some conflicts.”


Because there’s nothing to be done about the scheduling set by the College Board, students should consider the testing schedule while signing up for AP classes.
“They need to look at the testing schedule,” said Cook, “and ask, ‘Do I really want to do this to myself?’”

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