Dear Ground Control,

With autumn comes everyone’s least favorite Starbucks drink: the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Recently, I have noticed that it doesn’t end there. IT’S EVERYWHERE. Pumpkin spice this and pumpkin spice that. I hate pumpkin spice. How do I avoid it?

Sincerely, Pained by Pumpkin Spice


Dear loser,

I am like so sorry. Not for the fact that you are like totally being bombarded by pumpkin spice at every turn — that’s like a blessing — but for the fact that you haven’t, like, accepted it. Pumpkin spice isn’t just a fall fad, it is, like, a way of life. If you are not like constantly at the store buying pumpkin spice milk to accompany your pumpkin spice cereal for breakfast, like what are you even doing?

Starbucks is totally doing us a favor by forcing pumpkin spice on us as a marketing tactic. What am I even saying lol? I need another PSL to like sooth these troubling thoughts. Oh! Did you like hear the news? Starbucks is like introducing a new item: pumpkin spice tongue coat! OH EM GEE! That way you can like totally taste it all day long and never go a second without like thinking of the glorious drink our Starbucks gods brought to us.

Like go buy yourself a pumpkin spice latte right now. Pls get one for me too, I’m too busy taking cute selfies with my bae <3 in our hawt Ugg boots.

Like, join us.


Like totally yours truly,

Ground Control


Dear Ground Control,

On Halloween, all of my friends will be watching horror movies together. Between you and me, I can’t stand horror movies! They scare me too much, but I want to seem cool in front of my friends. What do I do?

Sincerely, Fearful of Phantoms


Dear Fearful,

Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret safe. It’s not like it’s going out for the whole school to read or anything.

Anyways, I’m sure you’re not alone in your fear, there are plenty of other pusillanimous souls like your own. I, of course, am not one of them, for I have no fears. But still, it’s okay to be afraid.

As I see it, you have two options here. One is you close your eyes and hope the popcorn muffles your screams and dries your tears. There is a 100% guarantee (NOT REALLY) that your friends will only be thinking of how cool you are, or your money back! Two, the safer option, is convincing all your friends to go trick-or-treating instead! Sure, you might be a little too old to play dress up and ask people for treats, but free candy is free candy!

Try not to get too spooked by the little kids dressed up as princesses, okay?


BOO! –did I getcha?

Ground Control

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