Ground Control Illuminati Confrimed

Dear Ground Control,

Truth or dare?




Dear curious,

Interesting question you pose. Okay, if you really think about it, truth is 5 letters, or is 2 letters, dare is 4 letters. 5 + 2 + 4 = 11. There are eleven players on a football team. If you turn the question mark upside down ¿, it looks like a tear. People cry when they are hurt. Well, according to Wikipedia, there are an average of 7.23 catastrophic head injuries a year in highschool and college football. 7 + 2 = 9. 9 / 3 = 3. There are three sides to a triangle.

WELL… triangles often symbolize the Holy Trinity in Christianity — Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Christianity is a religion. There are approximately 4,200 religions in the world. The world is covered in oceans. There are 5 oceans in the world. 4,200 / 5 = 840. 8 + 4 = 12. 12 / 0 is impossible, thank you, Joshi. Mr. Joshi likes space. Space includes our galaxy, which, in turn, contains about 200 billion stars while our solar system, located in our galaxy, contains 9 planets. Wait. Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. 8 planets. 8 / (2 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0) = 4. 4 – 1 pluto = 3. There are three sides to a triangle.

Illuminati confirmed.

Thank you,

Ground Control


Dear Ground Control,

Three weeks ago, I was hanging out with my friends. We were playing a game where we had to answer questions about the other people playing. They all asked “Why are you still in your emo phase?” How do I respond to that?


A child in their emo phase


Dear emo child,

I understand your soul must be drowning in a deep, black, empty, eternal abyss. First off, every single person, no matter who they are, has gone through an emo phase in their life, believing that they are dark and mysterious, which they totally are, and that no one really understands them, which they totally don’t. That being said, everyone who is past their emo life is embarrassed about it.

As I see it, you have two options for what to tell your friends:

  1. Embrace it. Tell them you are the way you are and you’re proud of it. Then proceed to dye your hair twenty different bright colors. Wear all black, every day, even during your cousin’s wedding. Hate everyone and everything with a fiery, burning passion. Be proud of your emo phase, and make everyone around you cower in fear.
  2. Escape it. Tell them you’ll soon change everything about yourself to appease them and society. Following that you must grow out your hair and chop off any colored bits. Do not, I repeat, do not dye it. Wear bright colors to display the pizzazz and joy in your rebirthed soul. Fall in love with everyone, everything, trust everyone without a second thought. Run from your past.

No matter which option you choose, always remember that you’ll never escape the pit where your heart used to be!

Best of luck in your “phase,”

Ground Control

Scroll to top