Ground Control – December 2016

Dear Ground Control,

My friends have been using my student ID to print out their school papers. Just a week or two back, two of them printed out 2 full-size SAT practice tests! This is causing me emotional distress. I don’t know what to do. I can’t print anymore.


Betrayed by the Bestie


Dear Bestie,

You need better friends. Get new friends. You may have noticed that I called you bestie–it’s because we are friends now. I have blessed you with my presence (you don’t actually get to know who I am, but you can say “Wow, I’m homies with Ground Control! Amazing. I’m #blessed”). Here is how you make new friends that you can talk to in person.

1: Ditch your old friends by luring them into a cave system in Alaska and then leave them there. Call the school and pretend to be their parents. Excuse their absence because they have gone on a 5-year-long study in the Gobi Desert.

2: Scope out your new homies. Bring some ferns into the building so you can hide in them. Get some high tech binoculars, and wait in various locations around the building for your new homie to appear. Make yourself known to him or her..

3: Invite them on a trip to Alaska. Try not to run into your old cave friends. If you do, try to explain why you ditched them. If your new friend does not understand, repeat step 1.

4: Make hot cocoa with your new bestie. Bond with them. Make friendship bracelets. Do not tell them your student ID number.


Your bestie,

Ground Control


Dear Ground Control,

So I like this guy and and I thought he liked me too. We had a really close moment and it was really cool. But ever since we had that moment, he’s been giving me the cold shoulder and being short with his answers when I try to start conversations. What should I do?


Flirty and Forgotten


Dear Forgotten,

He is probably just nervous. Boys tend to get confused about their feelings. Don’t worry though. Maybe he is just thinking things through, which is actually a very kind act on his part. Even though you might not want to think about it right now, he might not have felt the same and is putting distance between you two because he doesn’t want to lead you on and he cares about you. The alternative is that he is actually just useless, although I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion too soon.   


If he is actually useless, don’t fret! If he doesn’t want to have another special moment with you, it’s his loss. Have faith and confidence in yourself because you deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Confidence will intimidate some men, but that’s great because it will weed out the weaklings that you don’t want anyway.


Much love!

Ground Control

Scroll to top