Ground Control No More Advice or Spirit

Dear Ground Control,

What am I going to do now that I can’t get wondrous advice from ground control? Any last words?

Sincerely,

A Confused Student

 

Dear Confused Student,

Wow, I’m sad. I’m kidding, is there really a point to worrying? Why not reread all the advice already given? Generally people have the same problems over and over again.

Anyways, to answer your question, I am going to tell you:

  1. Slow down, take time and appreciate what is going on around you.
  2. Have
  3. Why would I be responding to your question right now? Oh no, are you going to accuse your own question of being fake too?
  4. Do you have anything better to do? Anything at all?

As you think about these questions, my best advice is to try and move on without us. Though we will miss you trying to

Have a fake day,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

Why do we really even have all the spirit stuff? It’s the last weeks of school why can’t we just end it?

Sincerely,

Ready To Go Home

 

Dear The End Is Near,

I don’t think about it in that way, it’s school bonding! The people we got stuck next to for the last 8 months, 5 days a week, 6.5 hours a day, them, we get to be friends towards the end <3

We will

Additional Comment: If you are one of the handful of people who actually read the newspaper, we here at The Phoenix Flyer greatly appreciate you. You make all the time we spend in class, the deadlines, and painful distributions definitely worth it!

Totally not salty at all,

Ground Control

Grand Cantral

Dear Ground Control,

Why the hell are underclassman wearing their middle school sports gear?

 

Sincerely,

Shook Senior

 

Dear Shooketh,

There’s a simple answer for this: an inferiority complex.

Back in middle school, these underclassmen were on top of the world. In eighth grade, they were the dominating class and had complete power over the puny, younger classes. They could cut in the lunch line without fear of repercussion; they could make fun of the tiny sixth graders all they want; they were at the prime of their lives. As they were upheaved into high school, they went from having total control to having none. Suddenly, they were at the bottom of the food chain, “fresh meat,” if you will.

Therefore, in order to relive their days of glory, they throw themselves into middle school attire. They attempt to assert their dominance by yelling “Hey! I went to middle school! I was in eighth grade! I had power once!” We all know it doesn’t work, but they try. Don’t worry, they’ll grow out of it as they regain upperclassmen power. Admit it, you did this too.

 

Learn to live with it,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

Now that the dress code allows shorts after May 1st, should I start wearing shorts?

 

Sincerely,

Sweaty Student

 

Dear Sweaty,

Well if you’re that sweaty, my answer is definitely. Nobody wants to sit next to the person who is sweating through their pants. So if it’s hot, wear shorts! If it’s cool, wear pants! Do what you want, whatever makes you the most comfortable. Nobody is going to look at you and say, “wow, I can’t believe they decided to wear shorts, what a horrible decision, what a catastrophe.” And if they do, they need to take a long hard look at themselves and wonder why they are judging others for their clothes.

Keep in mind, however, that it’s the beginning of summer and you still have winter legs. Your pasty skin might blind everyone in the building without your luxurious summer tan. So be careful, the number one rule of the dress code is to not distract others, and obviously I am in full support of the dress code.

 

Stay sweaty,

Ground Control

FAKE Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

Why are all of your questions fake?

Sincerely,

An Underwhelmed Reader

Dear Underwhelmed Reader,

Wow, I’m hurt. Just kidding, I don’t dwell on small things, like your opinion and the questions submitted to the local newspaper advice column.

Anyways, to answer your question, I am going to ask you a few:

  1. If I were just going to make up questions, why would I go to the trouble of creating a tinyurl and a physical box to which students in the school can submit their questions?
  2. Why would I try to give myself more work by creating “fake questions” when I could just take it easy and respond to already submitted questions? Who do you think I am? lol
  3. Why would I be responding to your question right now? Oh no, are you going to accuse your own question of being fake too?
  4. Do you have anything better to do? Anything at all?

As you think about these questions, my best advice to you is to find some hobbies–some way to use your obvious excess of free time–and stop caring so much about Ground Control questions.

Have a fake day,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

In your previous issue, why was the same article printed on pages two AND three?

Sincerely,

Just Plain Confused?

Dear Plane Confused?

April Fools! Haha. Ha. Haha. Heh. Yup, that’s the only reason behind printing the same article twice, just to prank all you unsuspecting punks. It totally wasn’t a mistake or anything ahaha. We TOTALLY didn’t just mix up which article was supposed to be on which page and then forget to repaste the article even though we replaced the headline, cutline, and author. And it totally wasn’t Charlie’s fault lol.

It was all just an April Fools joke to see who actually reads the newspaper, which is none of you by the way. As far as I know, nobody realized except the one person who submitted this question–unless this is a fake question!?

Disclaimer: If you do read the newspaper, we here at The Phoenix Flyer greatly appreciate you. You make all the time we spend in class worth it! <3

Totally not salty at all,

Ground Control

Ground Control Illuminati Confrimed

Dear Ground Control,

Truth or dare?

Sincerely,

Curious

 

Dear curious,

Interesting question you pose. Okay, if you really think about it, truth is 5 letters, or is 2 letters, dare is 4 letters. 5 + 2 + 4 = 11. There are eleven players on a football team. If you turn the question mark upside down ¿, it looks like a tear. People cry when they are hurt. Well, according to Wikipedia, there are an average of 7.23 catastrophic head injuries a year in highschool and college football. 7 + 2 = 9. 9 / 3 = 3. There are three sides to a triangle.

WELL… triangles often symbolize the Holy Trinity in Christianity — Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Christianity is a religion. There are approximately 4,200 religions in the world. The world is covered in oceans. There are 5 oceans in the world. 4,200 / 5 = 840. 8 + 4 = 12. 12 / 0 is impossible, thank you, Joshi. Mr. Joshi likes space. Space includes our galaxy, which, in turn, contains about 200 billion stars while our solar system, located in our galaxy, contains 9 planets. Wait. Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. 8 planets. 8 / (2 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0 – 0) = 4. 4 – 1 pluto = 3. There are three sides to a triangle.

Illuminati confirmed.

Thank you,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

Three weeks ago, I was hanging out with my friends. We were playing a game where we had to answer questions about the other people playing. They all asked “Why are you still in your emo phase?” How do I respond to that?

Sincerely,

A child in their emo phase

 

Dear emo child,

I understand your soul must be drowning in a deep, black, empty, eternal abyss. First off, every single person, no matter who they are, has gone through an emo phase in their life, believing that they are dark and mysterious, which they totally are, and that no one really understands them, which they totally don’t. That being said, everyone who is past their emo life is embarrassed about it.

As I see it, you have two options for what to tell your friends:

  1. Embrace it. Tell them you are the way you are and you’re proud of it. Then proceed to dye your hair twenty different bright colors. Wear all black, every day, even during your cousin’s wedding. Hate everyone and everything with a fiery, burning passion. Be proud of your emo phase, and make everyone around you cower in fear.
  2. Escape it. Tell them you’ll soon change everything about yourself to appease them and society. Following that you must grow out your hair and chop off any colored bits. Do not, I repeat, do not dye it. Wear bright colors to display the pizzazz and joy in your rebirthed soul. Fall in love with everyone, everything, trust everyone without a second thought. Run from your past.

No matter which option you choose, always remember that you’ll never escape the pit where your heart used to be!

Best of luck in your “phase,”

Ground Control

Ground Control Stress and Kazooooooo

Dear Ground Control,

I am struggling under the pressure of junior year so much that the few days where I get my homework done and I’m able to relax, I feel even more stressed about everything. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Forever Stressed

 

Dear Stressed,

I’m sorry to say it, but welcome to junior year. I don’t understand it, but something about those nine months makes it full of tears, sleepless nights, endless homework, and a whole lot of stress. Maybe it’s the start of AP classes, maybe it’s the looming college apps, maybe it’s even that memes have become your one and only coping strategy. Either way, no one’s doing too well junior year and everyone knows it.

No matter what your workload is, always remember to take care of yourself. You are more important than any piece of homework or test (sorry teachers, but it’s true). Treat yourself to your favorite foods, drink a cup of tea, read a book, listen to music, sit in the hot tub on the fourth floor, do anything to take your mind off the crushing pressure of school for a little bit. It’s okay to take a break and focus on yourself.

I’m proud of you,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

I am deeply concerned about a fellow student. I think we all want answers as to the fate of the infamous Kazoo Kid. Does he still Kazoo? Did his Kazoo get crushed by the pressure of freshman year? Was he in a terrible accident where he lost his abilities? We all need answers.

Kazoo kid, if you’re reading this, are you okay? We need a sign. Be the hero this school needs, not what we deserve.

Sincerely,

Koncerned students

 

Dear Koncerned students,

I miss Kazoo Kid as much as any of you, trust me. His beautiful notes used to fill my mornings with joy, despite the fact that I was walking into this desolate place known as RAHS. He gave me hope and, dare I say, a will to live. Without his melodious tune in my ears, I fear I am nothing.

Therefore, due to the personal implications, I decided to do my own investigative research. After a long journey full of hiking treacherous mountains and slaying villainous beasts, I succeeded in tracking down Kazoo Kid and proceeded to ask him why he took the happiness from our lives. His response:

“I sat on my Kazoo accidentally and broke it, that’s my reason for disappearing.”

This is tremendous news! It means that his absence is temporary, and soon he will once again be able to bless us with his Kazoo. On behalf of everyone at RAHS, we hope your Kazoo is fixed soon, Kazoo Kid, and you soon continue to enhance our days with your music.

I miss you,

Ground Control

Ground Control Christmas and College

Dear Ground Control,

I am a senior and everyone around me seems stressed out over “college apps.” I’m afraid of sounding dumb to my friends but, what’s a “college app”?

Sincerely,

Confused (but not) in College

 

Dearest Confused,

Ah, college applications. Only the MOST important thing EVER. Every moment in your young life has prepared you to apply to colleges. Best part? The college you get in (or don’t) determines your worth for the rest of your meager existence. So get going, because half the deadlines have already passed and your parents’ disappointment is growing.

Not joking,

Ground Control

Oh wait, maybe I am. Maybe, just maybe, college apps do not determine the rest of your life. A healthy amount of stress is okay — it keeps you on top of things — but please don’t hurt yourself simply because you have a deadline next week. I hate to sound cheesy, but a lot of seniors need to hear it right now: only you can decide what becomes of your life. Whether that be applying to the top Ivy League or deciding that college isn’t for you, college isn’t what defines you. Your choice in college doesn’t make you any better or worse of a person. Only you control that! So work hard, but remember to play hard as well.

All my love,

Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

All of my friends are angry at me because I have started playing Christmas music 24/7. I think I am brightening their spirits but they don’t seem too happy about it. So, I gotta ask, when is it okay to listen to Christmas music?

Sincerely,

Jolly in July

 

Dear Jolly,

Ho ho hold up, you’re listening to Christmas music already? It is most definitely not Christmas time yet, Thanksgiving hasn’t even passed! The most common rule around Christmas music is waiting until Thanksgiving is over. So WAIT.

I promise you will get your fair share of Christmas music throughout the month of December. With 24 hours a day for 31 days, that’s 744 hours of straight Christmas music, assuming that in your jolly state you do not sleep. That’s 44,640 minutes, meaning you can listen to “Last Christmas” by Wham! (4:37) 9,669.3 times. That’s quite enough, honey.

I know, I know, it’s already snowed. But so what? Just because it was extra cold does not mean you should force catchy tunes into other’s heads for an extra month of the year. If I have to hear Mariah Carey’s voice echoing through my ear cavity one more time in November, I will slit someone’s throat. You know what? All I want for Christmas is some peace and quiet.

Once Thanksgiving hits, however, go crazy! Play your holly jolly music on full blast at home! In the car! On Spotify that shouldn’t be downloaded on your school laptop! At your grandpa’s funeral! Everywhere!! Everywhere except around me.

Let it stop!

Ground Control

Ground Control TOO MUCH PUMPKIN

Dear Ground Control,

With autumn comes everyone’s least favorite Starbucks drink: the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Recently, I have noticed that it doesn’t end there. IT’S EVERYWHERE. Pumpkin spice this and pumpkin spice that. I hate pumpkin spice. How do I avoid it?

Sincerely, Pained by Pumpkin Spice

 

Dear loser,

I am like so sorry. Not for the fact that you are like totally being bombarded by pumpkin spice at every turn — that’s like a blessing — but for the fact that you haven’t, like, accepted it. Pumpkin spice isn’t just a fall fad, it is, like, a way of life. If you are not like constantly at the store buying pumpkin spice milk to accompany your pumpkin spice cereal for breakfast, like what are you even doing?

Starbucks is totally doing us a favor by forcing pumpkin spice on us as a marketing tactic. What am I even saying lol? I need another PSL to like sooth these troubling thoughts. Oh! Did you like hear the news? Starbucks is like introducing a new item: pumpkin spice tongue coat! OH EM GEE! That way you can like totally taste it all day long and never go a second without like thinking of the glorious drink our Starbucks gods brought to us.

Like go buy yourself a pumpkin spice latte right now. Pls get one for me too, I’m too busy taking cute selfies with my bae <3 in our hawt Ugg boots.

Like, join us.

 

Like totally yours truly,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

On Halloween, all of my friends will be watching horror movies together. Between you and me, I can’t stand horror movies! They scare me too much, but I want to seem cool in front of my friends. What do I do?

Sincerely, Fearful of Phantoms

 

Dear Fearful,

Don’t worry, I’ll keep your secret safe. It’s not like it’s going out for the whole school to read or anything.

Anyways, I’m sure you’re not alone in your fear, there are plenty of other pusillanimous souls like your own. I, of course, am not one of them, for I have no fears. But still, it’s okay to be afraid.

As I see it, you have two options here. One is you close your eyes and hope the popcorn muffles your screams and dries your tears. There is a 100% guarantee (NOT REALLY) that your friends will only be thinking of how cool you are, or your money back! Two, the safer option, is convincing all your friends to go trick-or-treating instead! Sure, you might be a little too old to play dress up and ask people for treats, but free candy is free candy!

Try not to get too spooked by the little kids dressed up as princesses, okay?

 

BOO! –did I getcha?

Ground Control

Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

What should I bring to college? I’m confused.

Sincerely,

Stumped Senior

 

Dear Senior,

I have surveyed every college student I could find on campus, and, after some serious deliberation and very long and difficult calculus-based quantum mechanical rocket physics moon landing geometriculumy trajectory integrated molecular biology derivative science calculations, I have created an optimized packing list so you can really get the most out of your college experience. Here is everything you’ll need to survive the next four years (some say they’re the most important years of your life):

 

– 997 glow sticks.

 

Sincerely,

Ground Control

 

 

Dear Ground Control,

No one can spell my name right. It’s been four years, and I’m still getting spellings and pronunciations that aren’t even close.

Sincerely,

Minced Mike

 

Dear Moch,

Let me tell you about my friend Vredevroom. Vredevacuum has the problem that you have. Vredezoom has tried every tactic. Vredevoltmeter always introduces himself by his full name “****** (obscured for his privacy) Vriceberg.” Vredegoober likes to try to explain how to pronounce his name by rhyming, but people can’t seem to get the hang of “bray-da-broom.” Vredenoodle tried wearing a nametag, but he accidentally spelled his own name “Verygood” on it. Vredecrepe entered the spelling bee, instead of spelling his word, he spelled his name. The judges kicked him out for “spelling it wrong” even though he spelled it right this time.

 

Sinserely

Groond Centrawl

Ground Control

Dear Ground Control,

Every time I park my car in the neat striped spot, people yell at me. I don’t understand why people are being so mean. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Parking Perp

 

Dear Perp,

After much thought about your problem, and those who are mean to you (I really do mean the specific… sharks, perhaps), I have devised a three-part plan to help you avoid your car being keyed.

Step 1: Reevaluate your life choices. Do these people actually have a reason to be mad at you? No? Are you sure? Would a tow truck driver see your car and think “payday”?

Step 2: Put your car in a mundane regular spot. If you really need to be special THAT BADLY, bring some sidewalk chalk and decorate whatever spot your heart desires. That way it could be striped OR polka-dotted.

Step 3: If that doesn’t satisfy your need to piss people off, try double parking your best friend or your worst enemy.

I sincerely hope you get towed,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

I have an AP test in a week and I haven’t gone to class all year. How do I get a 5 and pass my class?

Sincerely,

Five or Failure

 

Dear Failure,

Hey friend. As someone who is actually you, here’s my plan for optimizing my test score. It works well, I promise: Attend class and try to stay awake (I know that’s difficult but it’s the first step). Listen to the teacher lecture, and wonder what’s going on, think “Am I even in the right classroom? What’s gravity?” Now’s the time to go into Illuminate to check if you’re actually supposed to be in this room (you’re probably in the right place). Now, take a moment to think about all the things you’ve done wrong. Did you forget to tell your mother that you love her this morning before you left? Did you feed the dog? Did you steal a french fry from your friend freshman year? Did you actually watch all three LOTR movies all the way through (I assume you did to avoid studying). Remember that time that you tripped up the stairs in front of your crush in the fourth grade? Yeah you do. Now, it’s time to either realize that you can’t do anything right and that you’re going to fail, or to start binging Crash Course videos (that’s how I passed AP Advice-Giving).

May someone up there have mercy on your soul,

Ground Control

Ground Control – FaceTime and Hangman

Dear Ground Control,

My sister is always on FaceTime really loudly with her friends and it’s really annoying, but I feel like it’s rude to ask her to stop.

Sincerely,

Annoyed and Aggravated

 

Dear Aggravated,

I’m afraid there is only one plan of action for you to follow. Go live in a cave. Wander as far away from humanity as you can: I believe that’s somewhere in Kansas. Now, there aren’t actually any mountains in Kansas, so what you’re going to have to do is bring a very large rock with you. Your Uber driver probably will charge extra for this, so you should consider trying to find one in the mountains on your way to Kansas. Don’t worry about bringing anything else. Kansas has a lot of crafting supplies, since there’s nothing else to do. You won’t have any trouble finding the supplies to make your clothes and anything else you can just get from corn. Once you are there with your rock, you can carve out the inside of your rock (it’s customizable!!!) and begin your happy life of solitude.

 

Sincerely,

Ground Control

 

Dear Ground Control,

Every time I play hangman with my friend, they choose words with no vowels. How do I get back at them?

Sincerely,

Words with Frenemies

 

Dear Words with Frenemies,

I feel you, bro. This is actually something that I deal with. It’s what happens when you put more than one clever person in the same building. We all think we’re smarter than the next person, and clearly, hangman is the best way to show up the competition. Just to out all of you who think you’re clever, here are some words people will try to use to damage your pride.

-Nymph

-Rhetoric

-Lynx

-Quail

-Quilt

-Bayou

-Haphazard

-Kiosk

-Peekaboo

-Rhubarb

-Xylophone

-Yachtsman

-Swivel

-Topaz

-Unknown

-Unworthy

-Schizophrenia

-Sphinx

-Spritz

 

Now go forth and destroy people. It’s probably smart to use these words against people who don’t read my amazing work. You do you though.

Sincerely,

Ground Control

Ground Control: Going Goth and Looking for Love

Dear Ground Control,

After how much I enjoyed the last class colors day, I decided that I like wearing all black. What are your tips to stay stylish while sporting this new goth look?

Sincerely,

Aspiring Goth

 

Dear Goth,

You’ve come to the right place. As a fashion icon, I am single-handedly capable of bring back goth.

For your reference, here are some ground rules:

  • Rule number one and by far most important: Always go for the darkest pair of jeans. That light gray won’t cut it. It should be the color of the pupils of your enemy before you slay them in battle.
  • It’s important to remember to look the same every day. I do not recommend wearing the same shirt/pants every day, but you must limit the variation in your appearance. People will think “how do they always wear the same outfit, but still smell and look like they did laundry?” Maximum style achieved, and minimum time spent on deciding what to wear.
  • You may be tempted to wear short sleeves during the summer, but in order to be a true goth, you must disregard the possibility of heat stroke and never show your arms. Showing skin is weakness. People should never know what your elbow truly looks like.

Bonus points: Dye your hair black, like your soul.

If you’re not ready to go full goth, here are some tips to spice up the all black:

  • Try a red flannel, like the blood of your enemies. Or like the hearts of men, whatever your cup of tea is.
  • Add a little lace. This may seem counterproductive, but it adds to your angsty appearance. Like you’re torn between two things and can’t make a decision, and that’s why your soul is so tortured.

Sincerely,

Ground Control


Dear Ground Control,

Will you be my Valentine?

Sincerely,

Loser in Love

 

Dear Loser,

It’s not me, it’s you. If you’re resorting to asking someone out via Google Forms you clearly have something going on that I, a beautiful and majestic butterfly, do not want to get tangled up in. I get that I am a total catch, and that anyone would love to have me be their Valentine, but I’m waiting for someone who will sweep me off my feet. I’m talking about someone who will release doves white as snow and butterflies as blue as the night sky from a golden cage while serenading me with an original song about how amazing I am. If you want to win me over, you have to dazzle me. I suppose if you’d like to take my advice and try to sway me in your favor, call the number below.

Sincerely,

Ground Control

206 382 5633

Posts navigation

1 2 3
Scroll to top